Ang shota ko

Chubby ang shota ko
pero hot daddy ang dating

My bigote ang shota ko
nakakiliti...


Mahilig bumili ng Entertainment Magzine si shota
at halos 1/4 lang sa mga nandun ang kilala kong artista


OC ang shota ko
gusto nya lagi akong nagsislippers pag lumalabas ng kwarto
kasi yung aso ni landlady hindi house broken

Nakakatawa ang shota ko
minsan hihiga kami sa kama.. magkukwentuhan tapos tatawa lang ng tatawa
madalas dahil sa mababaw na usapan


Maalaga ang shota ko
hindi kakain yan hanggang hindi ako magising
kahit maging lunch na yung breakfast nya
para sabay kami


Understanding ang shota ko
minsan magrerequest ako na tawagan nya ko para magising
kasi mantika ako matulog
tapos ang record nya ay 86 missed calls...
(sorry)

Sweet ang shota ko
minsan ihahatid nya ako to work
kahit na alam kong sobrang galit sya sa traffic



Mahal ako ng shota ko
sa panahon na kailangan ko sya
lagi syang nandyan

para iyakan
para makipagtawanan
para tumulong
para magmahal


Mahal ako ng shota ko
at mahal na mahal ko din sya....


Labyu shota happy 16th! RAWR!

I keep forgetting....

Nasabi ko na dati. Pangarap ko talagang maging gwapo. To have that appeal that can soothe any soul with just a smile. ‘Till now I’m still trying to reach that dream. Gym. Hygiene. Diet (most of the time I cheat.. tsk tsk tsk). I’m doing everything but I still don’t feel beautiful.

People start to notice changes in my body. Guys in PR start to respond to my messages. Friends start commenting in FB Photos. But I still find my body flawed, ugly and unattractive. The insecurities of youth still haven’t left me although people say I think maturely…

Perhaps now is the time to drop it. Now is the time to realize that there is a disparity with what I want and who I am.

I saw a caterpillar engorging and, fattening himself. It prepares to hide in his cocoon then reveal himself to be a butterfly. It will eat relentlessly no matter how disgusting it looks to see such a small creature consume so much. It won’t care that he is vulnerable to the world as he tries to prepare for his first flight. And then, I wondered what if that caterpillar wanted to be a fish. It won’t eat leaves ‘coz fishes don’t do that. It won’t hide in its cocoon and would dream to swim. It will live its whole life dreaming a life he was not destined to be. He will dream of seas and oceans. He will dream to bathe in water under the sun. Such a beautiful dream, but that’s all there is to it. The caterpillar won’t become what he is supposed to be neither will it be what it dreams to be. It won’t see his own beauty because he is blinded by his desire.

Why would the sea dream to be the sky when it is magnificent in itself?

Hindi ako gwapo. I can never make people’s head turn as I stroll in malls or streets. Hindi ako ang mga bagay na ninanais ko na sana ay naging ako na lang. Dapat kong marealize… that desiring to be someone else will only lead me to a tragic life. A gay guy like me should know the value of living a truthful life. I should not live a life that is not my own. I should not lie to myself that I can be someone that I am not. I should know who I am and build my life from there.

I should not dream to be gwapo or macho or maapeal ‘coz I am already beautiful. “I am” is what I all have and it is enough and beautiful.

Then, I remembered AJ telling us… “You are beautiful”

And now, I promise that I won’t think that I’m hideous anymore and I will never aspire to be anybody else but myself…. 

Thanks AJ… you reminded me one last lesson … Goodbye friend…

i hope this reach you

Dear someone,

I know it had been hard for you lately. You might not notice it but every time you stare blankly into space, I know you're not ok. But you know its was half your fault. You fell in love with the wrong person and you fought for him even when he was pushing you away.

You had reflected on what he believes in so you would understand why you and him isn't so. But had he reflected upon your beliefs, your wants or your needs? Has he really or had you just grew too familiar that days without you beside him won't be the same-being afraid of losing you yet not really knowing where you fit in his life? Were you his victim? An innocent boy toyed around?

No

You were also half responsible for everything. You stayed when you could've walked away. You hoped when you knew it's time to give up. You took the tears and kept it to yourself when you should have screamed and called it quit. And now your in it too deep that it hurts too much to let him go.

We are young my friend. And we are easily blinded with emotions and frustrations. We fight for thing that already gave up on us. We wait when they say they are not coming. We hope that we get that fairy tale ending in the end. But that's not life, cause in reality life sucks. Shit happens and the world make it to throw it at you. And don't just sit there and wait for it to hit you HOPING that it won't.

When he says "I love you" you know he meant it in a totally different way that compared to how you conceived that phrase to be meant but you respond that you love him too- lying to yourself perhaps he really does understand you.

Enough my friend. There is so much in you. So much in you that's waiting to explode. Enough of the compromises, and the repression. You need to break free and make something of yourself. You need to be happy in the way that you want to be happy. You have very little control over the way things in this world unfold but at least you have control over your heart- make sure you that advantage of that. you'll find someone who love you the way you want him to love you... Enough of this shit, get your life back.

"You gotta to go after the things you want when you're still in your prime

cause there's a fine fine line between love and a waste of time"

Regards,

Dan

 

lately

Lately, I'm occupied with either work or school. Pumapasok at nagdaraan lang ang bawat linggo ng hindi ko namaalayan.

Lately, hindi na ko nagugutom ng over. Nakakakain na ako ng tama. Hindi na ko nagskip ng meals dahil wala akong pambili.

Lately, puyat ako lagi. Laging 5-6 hours lang ang tulog minsan nga installments pa. 3 hours sa umaga 2 hours sa hapon. Ang hirap kasi mag Callboy (cal cen-er like you know) sa gabi, tas student sa umaga.

Lately, pakiramdam ko pumupurol ang utak ko. I hadn't been reading any books or blogs.

Lately, I'm being consumed by my routine. Kailangan ko ng idefine kung bakit ko uli ginagwa ang mga bagay na ginagawa ko.

Lately, hindi na ko hayok sa sex. Masaya na ko sa palad ko at sa erotica o kaya sa 20+ porn videos. na naka-save sa cellphone. Pero dahil araw araw rin akong nag-e-MRT e minsan hindi maiiwasan na my makilala ka... kaso nga lang minsan late ako.. hindi na makapag-hunt...

Lately, napansin ko din na I'm losing contact with my friends and family. Mas madalas ko pa makita yung Janitor na assigned sa 17th floor (e nasa 20th floor yung offices namin) kesa sa Nanay ko. Cute naman kasi yung Janitor <LANDE>

Lately, nababagot ako sa Architecture subjects. Hindi ko na talaga makita yung sense kung bakit ako nag-aaral ng Arkitektura. Buti na lang my nahanap ako libro na balak kong basahin. Isang libro na ukol sa Philosophy at Architecture. I guess mas intrigued ako sa Philosophy part. But yeah

Lately, pumapayat ako, Mula 171 lbs nung April.161 lbs na lang ako. Nagkaka-braso na rin kahit papano. Pano na-a-adict ata ako mag buhat ng bakal... next target ko lumiit yun tyan at kahit papano makita yung adonis belt.

Lately, mas minamahal kita. Kasi the more I become independent and the more I feel that I can live without you, the more I yearn to be with you... simply because I love you.

Lately, gusto kong gumawa ng bagay na maganda kaso wala akong time. Maraming inspiration that will usually fleet away. I can't seem to encapsulate the great ideas that comes to me. Ewan ko ba.

Lately... hay inaantok na ko... Early lunch with Hon then Borlogs muna.

Lately, kelangan ko muling bumalik sa pamimilosopiya

Paglipas, paglaon

sa  pagligamgam ng minsang kumukulong pagsinta




ang upos ng baga ay tatangayin ng alaala



ang daluyong
ngayo'y ambon sa sinapupunan ng gunita


ako at ikaw hahawiin

sa pagliwayway
ang pag-ibig noo'y

isa na lamang di tiyak na damdamin






dahil uso ang break up... isang tula...

MRT Boni Avenue 2

Nakuha ko na number nya... Nung pumasok ako sa office, tenga sa tenga ngiti ko. hahaha. Una dahil nakakuha ako ng Pogi na bagets at nadiligan ang tigang kong lupa...

Nagtext sya bago ko ipasok sa locker yung cellphone ko.

"Anu bukas?"
"Okay lang"
"Libre mo?"
<me thinking: buti na lang my gift card ako ng SOGO haha>
"GAME!"

Buong araw akong nakasmile kahit yung mga irate callers e parang hindi kayang sirain mood ko haha

at dumating ang pinakahihintay na araw. Dahil galing nga akong duty, I wasn't able to wake up early. I got my phone and saw his text message
"Sa friday na lang"

Naku kaya ko ba syang isingit sa schedule ko? kaya yan

6:30 to 12pm : borlogs
12pm-3pm: motel
3-4pm: balik ng UP
4-5pm: tulog ng unti
5-7pm: class
7-8pm: commute to work
8pm-5am: work

Jusko... buti na lang cute sya haha Effort to... EFFORT

"Game okay lang mga 1pm tayo meet sa Cubao" (text ko)
"Okay lang hehe"


shet... 6'1, moreno, cute, lean... hay lucky day ko siguro haha



to be continued...

MRT Boni Avenue

Noong high school ako… pnagpantasyahan ko yung best friend ko. AUsually sya yung theme ng fantasies ko kapag mag-jajack off... And I know he’s straight so I’ve never considered it to become real.

5 years later… That fantasy came true… well somehow….

It was a rainy afternoon. Just one more train station, and I’m coming down to go to the office. I’m actually running late. Then he got on the train. Our eyes met. And They refused to break the trance. Sabi ko sa sarili ko “bakit ngayon ka lang sumakay! Baba na ko eh!”

A towering 6’1, with dorky glasses and that straight black hair that I find really attractive he caught my attention just as the other gay guys on the train. BUT BUT I am going dow on the next station! Boni Staton na! Bakit kasi sa Shaw Boulevard ka lang sumakay…. Hay.

Then Tumatabi ako sa kanya. He still is looking at me. I am looking at him… Teka…

Then the door opens. Isang napakalalim na buntonghininga. HAAAAAYYY

He also stepped down on the same station. WAHHH and he is still looking WAHHHHH. Now my heart’s racing…

HONG GWOPO KO NOMON (talagang ako ang focus eh ano)

I’ll do this. I’ll get his number… parang sabi nga ni Dalumat, grace him with your presence wag ka nang mahiya. Haha ganun na lang inisip ko para maglakas loob. Lumapit ako. Tumitingin sya pero naglalakad sya diretso pababa.

“Pwede makuha number mo?” (ako)

“Baket?”
“Wala lang…” (ako)

“Teka sunod ka muna sa kin”

Nareject ba ako? TEKA LATE NA KO! Pero kasi Ansarap nya e if ever! Sige na nga sunod na lang… TEKA baka holdaper to. Pero anlaki ng katawan ko compared to him. Kaya ko sya… at pwede rin akong tumili.. saka pag after 5 mins wala pa alis na lang ako.. LATE na ko eh.

Then bumaba sya sa stairs then lumiko sa MCDO sa Boni Avenue. Ayun… Diretso sa CR. ALAM NA hahahaha

“Uhmm medyo late na kasi ako. Anung number mo?” (ako)

“Teka lang pa-late ka na”

“E… ano e”

Sabay kuha ng kamay ko at pinatong sa already hard na tootut nya… infurness… na convinced akong magpalate! Hahahaha

“Teka” Sabay bukas ng pinto ng cubicle.

Ayun na MOMOX (Make Out Make Out Xtreme). At syempre I’m already on my toes dahil 5’9 lang ako at sya ay 6’1. Anlabot ng labi pota.

“Palabas tayo. May tissue naman”

Then you know what happened next...

In the end, Got his number….  AT HINDI AKO NA LATE!

Itutuloy… hahaha

Hmmm RAWR!!!

It's official I have changed my expression from "Woof woof" and "Arf Arf"  to

RAWR!

Dan quotes

Life is a balance of choosing to be happy now and planning means on how to still be happy in the future. And it gets easier when you're aware that you are balancing it. RAWR!

Lately

            Lately I have been very frustrated about the scores I get on the tests in my training. You see, I had been hired by a Call Center for an inbound account and right now, it’s my 2nd week on training. I haven’t failed any written exams, but what’s making me frustrated is that I am always one point short from getting the perfect grade.

            Yeah, I know that passing an exam is already okay but since I had started going to school, my mom trained me to always hit the perfect score or if not get the highest grade compared to the rest. So since then, it doesn’t matter if I’ve received a high grade if I wasn’t the highest scoring student especially on subjects that I’ve studied really hard for.

         Right now, I’m trying to change this attitude because it causes unnecessary stress. I’m trying to convince myself that it’s ok to get these scores and you shouldn’t compare yourself to anyone. You should just try harder and improve the next time. And if you did yet you still didn’t get a better grade well it’s fine as long as you like what you’re doing…. It’s all about the climb as they say.

        Again, this is just training… I still have much bigger opportunity to excel out there on the production floor. ^__^ Be optimistic! Fight! RAWR!!!!

Also I will be making this improvement log to help me work out some points I need to work on.

Points for improvement 06/13/2011:
• Patiently read the question then go over it. You rush too much.
• Don’t compare yourself to others, only to your previous self
• Be thankful for the good things; Don't sulk on the bad ones

Somewhere only we know

You were just a daydream
Your lips that I fancied to kiss
Your skin that I wished to explore with my mouth
Your shoulders that I wanted to touch

Then the dream came true
In a place, dim and silent
In a place, hidden yet had always been there

Somewhere only we know…

You are your god

You are the center of the universe
The sun shall rise and set for you
The tides shall calm at your feet
and the moon shall hide its half on your countenance

But you must first learn
How it is to falter
How it is to crawl on dust and dunes

Learn not to cry when all is gone but a minute drop of hope
Learn to smile as the dreams you had since your innocence break and shatter in front of you
Learn to fly when the earth beneath you splits
Learn to stand and guard as a whirlwind goes against your path

Most of all
Know thy self
Know your passion
Your weakness
Your strength
And seek the things that make you happy

Master these and everything shall conspire for you
You are the sole master of your existence

Dialogues with myself in Baguio

so what if you have a pretty face and a nice body?

then you would be able to get all the guys that you want


no. attraction is not as superficial as you think

men are all the same. It's all about sex. Sex with someone hot, with someone gym-buff or with someone with an angel's face can only be obtained if you are hot, rich or lucky. Very few are rich in this unfortunate country, and one cannot always leave it to luck, beauty is the easiest and most convenient mean to get that sex everyone fantasies about.


Sex lasts on a maximum of only a couple of hours then after that life continues. Sex could not give you satisfaction in this life. It cannot unveil to you the reason of your existence or the roads of happiness in this lifetime.

who wants that? life nowadays is as fleeting as the waves. only few would be given a long life to pursue their live's cause. the pursuit for meaning of existence is nothing more than another task that we usually postpone for later then tragedy strikes: heart attack, cancer, plane crash, car accidents, etc. no one really finish with this life. so why pursue something that you are not sure you will achieve? the short term things, the superficial, the ephemeral are quantifiable, achievable, realistic and are well with-in reach. This will give you happiness that you CAN experience.


Let me follow your argument. the sad reality is that you are not beautiful. So the "well-within-reach" happiness you aspire for is nothing more than a mere fantasy. So this proposition you aspire for is not for you. This path cannot lead you to happiness. You are not rich nor beautiful. But you are wise. Use that brain to gain the money. Use the money to gain the looks. Use the looks to gain the sex. Use the look and the money to gain power. Ooooopppss that's too long of a cycle already, and as you have said life is fleeting, you don't have enough time to be happy, bastard.

the flaw of your argument is obviously not the assumption that beauty brings happiness but the assumption that this statement is universalizable. This works for some but it won't work for you. You believed in things that will only hinder you from being happy. Perhaps you are destined to find happiness in a much nobler way. May that way traveled like a short trip, like you want want it or may it be a long journey... no one knows.

well, it's just me wishing. tragic i know and yes, it brings me sadness. every rejection I get I blame my face and my body for it. the pimply skin, the chobby midsection, the dark skin. Irrational, stupid, and self-destructive as my beliefs seem to be they are what i am programmed with. it takes time to unlearn it. I hate long processes. I never liked a slow-burn no matter where it occurs.


you're young.. you'll get better. it would be awesome just wait.

we're young. we'll get better. I would be awesome just wait

Oct 04, 2010

I wish to remember this simple day.



“Hon, Gising na” Then you woke me up with a kiss

“Morning breathe pa ko hon!”

“2:30 na”

“Ha? Teka lang 5 mins”

“I know where we’ll have the perfect Italian Lunch”

“hmmmm ahh.. san?” Still with my eyes shut

“Sa Don Bosco, but I’m not sure if they have all the parmesan that you’ll need”

“Rawrrr… Cheese monster!”


Then you kissed me a again softly

magic

I've always wondered how he manages to say the most rational and practical words at times when you really need to hear it. At times, his words are devoid of the luster of adventure, of excitement and thrill. Most of the times it's about what's practical, what's attainable and what won't disappoint you. Somehow... stupid as i may sound... magic is simply not part of his philosophy in life.


He had been through a lot I know. So much more than I had been through. He has 24 years of experience ahead of me. He had seen EDSA while I had only read about it on books. He had been a director and an actor for several plays while I am only learning the basics about theater. He had seen how vinyl evolved to casette then to compact disks while I am enjoying the convenience of playing mp3s in my cellphone. Long story short, he had been there and had done that while I am just going there, trying to be that. And perhaps in his traverse, he outgrew what I am believing now.


It's typical for old guys to be practical. They always go for what's tried and tested. Their approach in life seems to lack adventure, curiosity and  magic. Some are even afraid to explore what' out there 'coz it might give them pain.


But the young and their naiveté, their hope and their dreams, their exuberance and idealism,  are what makes the world seems perfect and at times magical. Then they'll say these are illusions, illusions of our innocence that blinds us from seeing the truth. But how much of the truth do I really need? What if the truth is a monster that feeds on dreams and hope, do i really need that?  Should I live in my delusions or is it better to live in a world of chaos?


I don't want to die as an old man. I want to die as a young soul. I want to die full of hope, believing in love, having faith in what's pure in every man's heart, and always believing in myself. I don't want magic to die in me. 


Stubborn as it may sound, idealistic or nonsense as some will say, but this is my life and this is how I want to live it full of passion and faith.




But luckily I have you to remind me that I still am existing in a world much bigger than what I think it is. Perhaps I should learn to live a life of balance? Would you like to board this train too? Let me remind you of the things that you said you outgrew.


Death is not the greatest loss in life.  The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.  ~Norman Cousins

how to know if you will love a person

simple... if he matters to you enough to upset you now. If he matters enough to cause agitation. If he matters enough to tingle you in the right place. If you can ignore him and just set him aside despite him yearning to be yours... I suppose be man enough to admit that you don't love him...

don't keep him in queue.. You might be keeping him away from someone who can love him for all that he is...

Be considerate... neither of you would benefit if you know you're just  keeping him as one of your fail-safe..

you might just be wasting time...

Ipagpatawad mo kaibigan

Ipagpatawad mo kaibigan
Pagkat hindi ko kayang bitawan
Ang mga salita ng katotohahanan

hindi ko naiintindihan
hindi mo maiintindihan


Pagkat maigi ang kasinunalingan
na sa iyo'y lubos na may kaliwanagan
na iyong sinasampalatayanan
ngunit hanggang kailan?

Naluluoy din ang pag-asa na dala ng pag-irog

at minsan lamang dumadapo ang pagkakataon upang
ang mga matang walang dungis ay buksan
ngunit hindi ako ang susugat
upang ika'y imulat

imulat sa kasawian...


Dala ng ating kabataan
Dala ng kawalang kamuangan
Kaya't tayo'y ikinukubli sa kadiliman

Marahil ay maigi ngang wala tayong nalalaman

Pagkat sa puso'y may ngiti
kahit na bulag ay walang lugami

Ipagpatawad mo kaibigan
Ipagpatawad ang kabalintunaan

Pagkat nanaisin na ikaw ay manatili
sa karimlan na may ngiti




kaysa sa liwanag
na puno ng pighati...

Not Yet

I'm getting there
I can feel it

Being the person who I want to be
reaching my full potential

being self aware

but for now not yet
be patient

I promise I'll get there

a year or two
a decade or maybe soon

but don't give up
cause sometimes, I too
feel surrender

but you, but "us"
makes me want to continue

don't ever let go


be angry
but be forgiving
be irritated
but be permissive
be pissed
but listen
be of good counsel
but be passive
be in control
but know that I too need my space

let me stumble
so that I may stand on my own
let me screw up
so I can fix my mess

let me learn
let me live
let me be

cause when I"m finished with myself
It's you who I'll go home to

cause when I propel my own life
when I am finally who I want to be
I will still love you
like the way I love you right now
or perhaps even more

leaving me now
giving up on us right now

cannot and will not make me get there faster
and if you love me
if you really mean it as you say you do
see me now as to who I can be


be satisfied with me,
with the youthful exuberance of my love
'cause that exuberance might be the biggest part of me that you might miss



beneath this sheet of youth
is a man who can exceed your expectation



be patient, I am not done with myself yet...

Absolute Beauty

Bakit ba kasi gustong gusto kong maging gwapo?

Kasi masayang atang maging gwapo

Ambabaw…

Bata pa lang ako alam ko na kapag looks ang pag-uusapan nahuhuli talaga ako lagi sa karera. Antaba-taba ko non, maiitim, laging nakayuko, inaasar lagi na baboy. Pero alam ko naman noon na pagdating sa utak, ahead ako lagi sa karera kaya doon ako nagfocus. Exams, quizzes, and recitations pass by without much worrying whether I aced it or fail. I’m just worried about how many mistakes I’ve made. Kapag more than 10 mistakes na yan sa periodical exams kinakabahan na ko dahil baka maka-apekto sa ranking ko sa top 5. Pero success naman dahil pumasa ako sa UP. Out of 250 students sa isang hamak na private school sa isang liblib na lugar, isa ako sa limang nakapasa mula sa school namin. UP na yeah! So affirmed na kahit papano na hindi nga ako bobo, my utak kahit papano at lamang kumpara sa iba pagdating sa academic things.

Ngayon masaya na ko kung utak at utak lang paguusapan. Pero pagdating sa itsura… wala pa ring nagbago on how I see myself. Hindi na ko mataba masyado, 5’9” ako at 158lbs, pangkaraniwan naman. Hindi mataba or payat. Nag-gy-gym na ko lately. My pinipilit na sinusunod na diet (madalas fail). Pero wala e… Sa paningin ko hindi pa rin talaga ako gwapo. Masking your insecurities with achievements doesn’t really make them go away. They still stay inside you making you feel like shit every time you see hot guys. Hot guys would usually remind me how ugly I am compared to them. Although I enjoy boys-watching, a part of me envies them, and curse them because they remind me how flawed I am.

E bakit ba kasi kelangan mong maging gwapo, Denz? What’s wrong with being you? You’re not ugly. Nakakabola ka naman ng lalake para mabembang. You sometimes get lucky and sleep with cute guys. Bakit ba insecure na insecure ka sa itsura mo?

I’ve tried using all the beauty products I can afford. The problem is… I can’t really afford the luxury of buying cosmetics and all that jazz. So ponds, masters, garnier lang… wala eh.. maitim pa rin ako. Growing up you can only qualify as gwapo if you’re mestizo, so being dark qualifies you as ugly. Buti na lang lately my market ang dark guys…

Then I learned about Planetromeo. Doon ko narealize na sa totoong buhay at sa sang-kabaklaan pala, itsura pa rin ang labanan para maka-score. Kung gusto mong i-jerjer ang gwapo dapat gwapo ka din. Ain’t that fair? Para makakuha ang isang average looking guy like me ng isang gwapo guy out there, e pahirapan talaga. Maliban na lang kung bibilhin mo. E WALA KA NGANG PAMBILI. Pota. Haha

E ikaw naman pala e. Ang motivation mo lang ba para maging gwapo ay ang makakuha ng gwapong boys? OO bakit? Sinong bakla ang aayaw sa gwapong boys? Kung sino man sya PAKYU SYA… ipokrita haha.

Sabi ni Plato, absolute beauty does not exist in reality. It only exists in the mind. And it is not right to say that a person is greater than another person in terms of beauty, because in itself absolute beauty compared to the beauty of a person seen is such a small thing and it is foolish to be greater by something less. I found my comfort here. It made me realize that if I aspire for beauty, I’ll fail. If I am not satisfied enough with the beauty I partake, I will never be satisfied since I’ll always aspire for more until I’m closer to the definition of absolute beauty which does not exist in reality.

Maybe that is why I am insecure. That’s why this insecurity causes me envy and pain because I’m dreaming of having what I want rather than wanting what I have. People aspire for something greater than what they have. Always hungry to be bigger, to be “better” yet they don’t understand that they can only do so much. They can only be so much. So instead of killing yourself with insecurity, why not love yourself. Accept it… You are only someone who can only be so much.

Maging masaya ka na hindi ka gwapo. Meron naman sigurong niche (niche talaga ang liit naman hindi man lang market) na finds you cute at mabebembang mo… Besides mabibili mo naman ang mga gwapo na yan. Sabi mo nga matalino ka. Edi gamitin mo talino mo para yumaman. Tapos pera mo na lang gamitin mo para bumili ng gwapo.

Parang ok na no? Pero why does my heart aches as I write this? Maybe because I’m shattering my own dream. I dream of being gwapo ever since noong narealize ko na panget ako but since hindi ko naman maabot, maging masaya na ako na isang not-so-gwapo-but-pwede-na gay guy. And I thought dreams are so supposed to be so big they can’t be real… movies… they poison your mind and only disappoint you…

I’m getting old. I think you’re making me grow old faster than I’m supposed to. As I’m losing my youth, as you watch it expire, and as the boy turns into a man, a part also has to die. It hurts but it’s the good hurt, much like the first pang of pain when wings start to grow from your back.

Monogamy ( a reply to an MGG post )

This is a reply to an mgg post (gumagaya na kay corp closet o haha)

Monogamy can practically be rooted as a tool for laying the foundation of society and securing self economy. During early christianity where monarchs had to keep the wealth well within the family, they resorted to marrying their cousins. The beliefs of Filipino Chinese that they should only marry people like them since they have same traditions, and same beliefs are only secondary to the original idea that money should be conserved in the circle. The family being, the primary unit of the traditional society can only thrive if it follows the norms of marriage and monogamy. If monogamy fails, the family fails in the traditional societal perspective.

Too many children = too many heirs. Too many wives = too much redistribution of wealth. In the end, it is self preservation that gave birth to monogamy. The preservation of your genes and securing its well being even after you are gone made monogamy work for the traditional society.

Monogamy is such a straight world concept. It's traditional, had been proven to fail for most (divorce, annulment, separation) and finally limiting. But why should same sex couples be limited by this concept? Most have no families to preserve. We are considered an outcast in the traditional sense of a society. Why follow their rules? Why be limited by the norms that you know could only make you unhappy?

Bakla tayo. Alam natin kung paano kamuhian dahil sa pagsunod sa mga bagay na alam natin na makakapagpasaya sa atin. Makasarili? Oo. Pero alam mo na isinisigaw ng puso mo ito ang bagay na sa iyo'y nagpapasaya. Huwag kang matakot Genesis, ni mahiya sapagkat alam mo na kahit na hindi nila maintindihan, o magalit man sila... ikaw masaya ka. You are happy because you had learned to listen to yourself and hear your inner voice. You had decided to hear yourself out than go with the flow because you know in your heart that it will make you happy

If you believe in something, believe in it with all your heart. Defend it when people try to bring topple it down, but listen as much as you protect it. Share your beliefs to people, but never impose it. At the end of the day, what matters most is that you're happy.

(advise lang teh.... HIV awareness ha.. safe dapat lagi....)

Bills

I always feel uneasy when the bills come. No matter where I and Joel eat when the bill comes and I know he would be paying, I feel “nahihiya” that he does so.

My boyfriend and I are already in our 8th month of being a couple. He is 24 years my senior, has a stable job, a car, a condo in the heart of the CBD of Makati, a great sense of humor, and a whole lot more. I, on the other hand, am an overstaying college student, with limited financial capabilities and several part-time jobs that help me support my everyday needs. Way before this relationship started, he already knows of the situation that I have. I’m not really as well off as he is so most of the times when we go on dates or go out with friends he usually pay for my expenses.

At the beginning of this kind of set-up, I already felt this uneasiness. I said to him that I am not having a relationship with him because of this perks and I know he knows that. He said that he had no problem paying the bills for me. “Hindi naman grabe ang gastos natin and I know na hindi mo naman ako ginagatasan” as he puts it.

I actually feel more ‘nahihiya’ when we eat with friends. Most of our friends are more financially stable compared to most so they would usually dine in places I can only afford when I make “ipon” for it. He always end up paying for our meals.

I feel that I am hurting my pride every time he does so. I feel thankful and I always make it a point that I let him know that I appreciate it, but still this uneasiness persist. I wondered why I feel like this, thus this blog.

I realized that I actually am afraid to look like a boytoy. I am afraid that if ever in any case (kung saka-sakali pero huwag naman sana in the near future) we break up and everything will be tallied into facts and conclusions, I will appear to have stayed around just because of the perks that he gave me. Even before and even to now, I know that I don’t stay with him because of these perks.

I stay because he makes me laugh my ass off most of the times. I stay because he wakes me up thoughtfully every morning when I have early appointments.I stay because he makes me feel like I’m amazing the way I am. I stay because he treats me as his equal and not like some kid. I stay because he goes out of his way at times just to help me out. I stay because of this intimacy that I feel each time we talk about misunderstandings. I stay because I do love him.

Right now, I am conscious that I need him. I need him to give me a pat in the back each time I feel down. I need him when I am running short with my finances since my mom can’t send allowance again. But, I don’t want this to be forever. I want things to come to a point where I can say that I love him but I don’t need him. I don’t need him but I choose to stay with him because I love him and for no other reasons at all. I want to love him just the way he loves me. He doesn’t need me. He can continue to live even if he leaves me but doesn’t do so because I know that he is staying for no other reason except love.

Joel, I promise to be a better man. I will do my best so that I can take you out for dinner in a fancy restaurant out of the country some day where we can talk about all those silly stuffs. I promise to drive you to places where we can just sit, relax and enjoy the view. I promise to give you aid whenever you’re down. For now, I am just a 20 year old boy who can only do so much, but I'm yours.


(I'm yours - The script)


Happy valentines day, hon.

Love always,
Denz

Love: a leap of Faith

I saw a child running after something that she doesn't really know what, but she ran without any inhibition nor fear of getting hurt. 


An older friend used to ask me why is it so easy for younger guys to fall in love so easily. Something like, meeting a guy on a bus one day then being committed to a relationship with that guy on the next day. 


Jumping into a relationship like that is just not his thing.


An accountant painstakingly plans his whole schedule for today, paying attention to every minute details so that he can submit this month's quotation to his client later around 6pm. Suddenly, hell seemed to explode on his face when MS Excel hanged and corrupted the final report that kept him awake all night. The back up file is only 75% and its already 2pm. 


Most adults learn to govern over their emotions. "Compartmentalize" to be  exact. They frame things, people, events and problems in neat, little boxes labeled and organized in a manner fit for their routines. They use their minds to govern their daily lives. Survival is a mind game, after all. Although, we all know that this is not a bulletproofed strategy especially when emotions and people come along and just won't fit into these boxes. They try to understand why they are feeling that way, who this person is, how does he affect his life and does he give him a certain advancement in his life. Rationalizing morbidly as the seemingly magical emotion called love dries into a quantifiable entity deprived of its mystery and fantasy. And as soon as he fully comprehend that what he felt was love, the opportunity had already passed by and love was nothing more than an old, wrinkled yesterday that got tired of waiting. 




The accountant barely made it for his 6pm deadline. He finished the quotations and sent it over the internet. He had decided to dump all of the things he planned for that night and just have dinner with friends as a reward for all that stress. He drove home late that night feeling spent yet fulfilled of his unplanned day.


Pain, yes everyone is blaming pain to be the reason why people are afraid of falling in love. Because love could make them vulnerable, could hurt them, and leave them messed up. They think of investments like the time, the money, the effort and the saliva and other bodily fluid that they will waste on the "wrong" person that they might get caught up in a romance. That's why they delay everything so that they are sure. 
Rational? Yes. 
Graspable? Yes. 
Quantifiable, yes. 
Selfish, perhaps. 
Assured against pain? Definitely, not.


Why is there such a commotion about making sure that you are falling in love with the right person? Why do we make people and ourselves wait (and sometimes in vain) when the end of it is more waiting?
Why do we keep delaying things? Is it because of fear? Is it because of assurance? 


The young girl cried as she tripped and wounded her knees. As her dad attended to her, she stopped crying then asked her dad to let her down. She went back to running after something that I just can't see.


Wisdom of age comes with the fear of repeating mistakes and falling on the same hole all over again. But, to us, the younger generation, there is no such thing as doing the same mistakes since we hadn't made them in the first place. Youth has its flaws that vindicates it. We do not seek assurance because we love the experience of the unknown and the thrill of unfolding the uncertain. We falter, yet due to exuberance, we stand up knowing that we could fail again but hoping that we won't. The flames of hope burns passionate in our idealistic world. Silly? Child's play? Perhaps. But, it is through this that we learn to openly accept the world, and we do not tire from believing love and the humanity that emanates it. And when we say "I love you", we might not understand what it means like you do but we understand enough to let it out in the open and let you open the doors of our heart.


Remember that no matter how weary, cynical and old you are... To love is to be young again

Huling Bente pesos Jan. 12. 2010

Siguro dahil na rin sa dami ng hinahabol kong deadline, puyat at pagod, hindi ko na kinaya nung itext sa kin ni Mama na hindi na naman sya makakapagpadala ng P500 na allowance ko para sa linggong iyon.

Pano na yung pambli ko ng papel para sa projects at plates ko? Pano na yung ipangkakain ko bukas, hindi na nga matino yung kinain ko kahapon... Nakakapagod na mag-isip.

Buti na lang nagawan ko ng paraan kundi siguradong gutom ako bukas at hindi makakagawa ng drawings. Kinuha ko muna yung sweldo ko sa tutorials dapat bukas pa yung sweldo pero napakiusapan ko naman yung employer ko. Dinagdag ko na yung P400 sa huli kong bente sa bulsa. P420 para sa isang linggong gastos sa pagkain, supplies...

1 in the morning while I slide my triangle and T-square across my drawing table, I was dozing off. My roommate's phone rang waking me up. It was his dad asking him if he received the money he sent. Dun, hindi ko na napigilang umiyak. Umalis ako sa table at humiga sa kama.

Bakit sya na halos walang ibang ginawa kundi magfacebook at mag-NBA live ay binigyan ng Dios ng responsableng ama? Bakit sya na nagpupuyat lang kapag nanonood ng TV series o movie e hindi binigyan ng problema sa pera? Bakit ba kailangang pagdaanan ko ang mga bagay na to?

Hindi ko na napigilang lumuha. Hindi naman ako iyakin. Dala lang siguro ng pagod at puyat kaya bumigay na ko. Alam ko naman na hindi na magkanda-ugaga ang nanay ko kakatrabaho pero bakit kasi yung tatay ko e inabanduna na kami ng ganun ganun lang...

Unfair talaga ang mundo. Alam ko naman yun...

Tinext ko si Erick dahil naisip ko malamang gising pa yun, kapwa studyante eh. Sinabi ko sa kanya hinanakit ko. Pinaalala nya sa kin na lahat ng problemang dumarating kahit parang ang bigat-bigat e kaya mo. The problems you're bearing show what you can do and what you are capable of.

Denz, adapt to whatever is given to you. You are always bigger than your problem.

Kakayanin ko.