Nasabi ko na dati. Pangarap ko talagang maging gwapo. To have that appeal that can soothe any soul with just a smile. ‘Till now I’m still trying to reach that dream. Gym. Hygiene. Diet (most of the time I cheat.. tsk tsk tsk). I’m doing everything but I still don’t feel beautiful.
People start to notice changes in my body. Guys in PR start to respond to my messages. Friends start commenting in FB Photos. But I still find my body flawed, ugly and unattractive. The insecurities of youth still haven’t left me although people say I think maturely…
Perhaps now is the time to drop it. Now is the time to realize that there is a disparity with what I want and who I am.
I saw a caterpillar engorging and, fattening himself. It prepares to hide in his cocoon then reveal himself to be a butterfly. It will eat relentlessly no matter how disgusting it looks to see such a small creature consume so much. It won’t care that he is vulnerable to the world as he tries to prepare for his first flight. And then, I wondered what if that caterpillar wanted to be a fish. It won’t eat leaves ‘coz fishes don’t do that. It won’t hide in its cocoon and would dream to swim. It will live its whole life dreaming a life he was not destined to be. He will dream of seas and oceans. He will dream to bathe in water under the sun. Such a beautiful dream, but that’s all there is to it. The caterpillar won’t become what he is supposed to be neither will it be what it dreams to be. It won’t see his own beauty because he is blinded by his desire.
Why would the sea dream to be the sky when it is magnificent in itself?
Hindi ako gwapo. I can never make people’s head turn as I stroll in malls or streets. Hindi ako ang mga bagay na ninanais ko na sana ay naging ako na lang. Dapat kong marealize… that desiring to be someone else will only lead me to a tragic life. A gay guy like me should know the value of living a truthful life. I should not live a life that is not my own. I should not lie to myself that I can be someone that I am not. I should know who I am and build my life from there.
I should not dream to be gwapo or macho or maapeal ‘coz I am already beautiful. “I am” is what I all have and it is enough and beautiful.
Then, I remembered AJ telling us… “You are beautiful”
And now, I promise that I won’t think that I’m hideous anymore and I will never aspire to be anybody else but myself….
Thanks AJ… you reminded me one last lesson … Goodbye friend…
