Tuesday, August 10, 2010

August 9, 2010

Hindi ko alam bat natahimik na lang ako bigla.

It seems that I can't compose my thoughts well enough. I am perhaps careful not to hurt you. Though I wanted you to know something but I just can't say it in a manner that you will understand that time. I never was a great speaker after all so I've just decided to shut up.

Naalala ko lagi kitang tinatanong kung bakit hindi tayo nag-aaway. "Hindi ba dapat nagaaway tayo kasi first few months natin?" is a question that I always ask you. Now that I kinda had a taste of what I'm asking for, I'm really afraid. Ang sakit pala pero patikim pa lang. Im not only thinking about the pain I'll suffer but also what you'll suffer. Sana di na tayo mag-away. Baka hindi ko kayanin.

Today, we did not really "fight". No one raised voices. No one made harsh remarks. No one cried. No one was mad. Perhaps a simple "misunderstanding" that I didn't want to talk about right there and then? I left you that afternoon wnith a very heavy feelig. Nasa MRT na ako pauwi... I noticed natutulala ako for some reason that I cant seem to grapple with. One thing is sure in my head: I am disappointed with you but I know I shouldn't be since what I'm asking you to do is beyond your capacity.

And this feeling of being down, bothered me the whole day... while making my paper, while having dinner, while working for my part time job, while not doing anything. I am not a master of this art you call "compartmentalization". And this is for a petty "misunderstanding".... I swear I wont insist that we should fight... It will ruin my day, week or month...

But I'm really glad we settled it before the day ended. You always seem to know what to do. You know me better than I thought. and as fast as that heavy feeling came, it left. One deep breathe of relief. and back to my regular yet well meant "I Love you, Hon"