Sunday, October 17, 2010

Eksena: "Beyond"

Opening (after production house credits)

in black and white
[camera focused on the eyes of a guy in white t-shirt. The guy must be "moreno" with expressive eyes (preferably hazel).] (frame will stay for just .5 of a second

[the digital sound of suddenly appearing things. This sound is like a microphone static only shorter and this is the sound before it reach the annoying high pitch. {Obviously, I don't really know what that sound is hahahahaha}]

[change frame]

frame 2
[zoom on one eye<.5 of a second>]
music 1

[change frame]

frame 3
[frame 3. frame is the bust of the guy. The background is a white door. The camera must contain that there is a door]
music 1

[change frame]

frame 4:
[Guy looking straight into the camera.] "What if the world disappears outside this door?"

Monday, October 11, 2010

1st cry

I will never be enough for you because no one will ever be. It's cold, unromantic but true.

Growing up with Disney fairy tales, and telenovelas, I was lead to believe that "love will keep us alive" but perhaps now I know that it is not how life is. That no matter how perfect one is, you will never fulfill the life needs of your partner. We can never be their sun or moon. We cannot give them their air to breathe like all those love songs tell you.

And knowing that, no, experiencing that for the first time made me cry because perhaps I've expected one too much from you, from us. I hurts 'cause I felt unappreciated, taken for granted for a while but I know that I'm not...

So what if I am not enough to make you happy. You still love me in spite. And that what matters most that even if you don't need me, you love me,  and despite the fact that not one soul in the whole world will ever be enough for you, you chose to stay with me.

You need your space as I too need it. We are still growing even and changing and for us to do that we need space, new experience and wisdom. I will not bound you to have all of that for I love you so much that I am giving you your freedom.

Because that is what love is I guess, letting you go to see the world and then patiently waiting for your return... ^___^

Monday, October 4, 2010

DreamBoard 2

I want a body like this... not too big... not too small... just right just hot....

DreamBoard 1

I dream to see Idina Menzel and Kristin Chenoweth on stage playing Wicked ^___^

Open Relationship

Last night, I had a rough and rowdy sex with a guy I’ve just met in PlanetRomeo. The sex was a bit sado-masochistic with a surplus of insults and curses but less the chains and leather. I actually find it sexy, arousing and exciting. A perfect blend of fear and lust, elements that make your hormones swoon over your judgment.

His dick was of average length but the girth… FAT about 5 inches in circumference. The sex started with torrid fast kisses with fencing tongues. I started to strip him and at the sight of his buldge, I knew that first entry was going to hurt. I continued to explore his body with my tongue then I sucked him. I started to sit on him but after several trials, it just won’t fit. He decided to let me lie on my back on his bed and he’ll do the work. The first thrust was excruciating... painful as hell. I told him not to push yet and let me adjust with his monster. When I felt that I’ve loosen up, I let him thrust rhythmically. The sensation was phenomenal… It wasn’t hitting the button but the feeling of him pushing and pulling was ecstatic. Lapat na lapat, damang dama ang bawat pagindayog at pagkadyot.

After the hormonal rush and exploding hormones, sex ended. I was happy yet a part of me felt austere. There was a thought, an emotion that is a bit blurred and unknown to me, something I am not familiar with. The sex was great. The encounter with a stranger felt dangerous yet exciting, arousing. But a part of my soul yearns for more. It tells me I am not satisfied. After my fleshly desires were satiated, my spirit or perhaps my humanity was still left hungry.

A touch, a kiss, an embrace, a pat are all much more meaningful and memorable if it bears an emotion. May the emotion be anger, empathy, love or hate. The emotions thru touch imprints into our souls, embed itself into our memory. But these encounters are a bit senseless with one recurring theme, lust. All of this gestures done to pass off lust. I will not say that I do not enjoy meaningless sex but a part of me is slowly growing tired of the superficiality and the meaninglessness of the act thereof. The forgettable lingering converge of the flesh, the warm barrage of thoughtless caress, and the coldness of the torrid kisses, all offer no groundings, no imprint to the soul, and do not bring refuge to the being inside the flesh.

And perhaps that is why I love you; that is why I cannot let you go. Because I might have sex with all the guys in the world but it is only with you that I make love. It is only with your touch that I feel commitment. It is only with your gazes that I feel connected. It is only thru your kisses that I feel that you leave a piece of your soul into mine. It is only thru our physical entwinement that I feel a cathartic self-forgiveness, an unbreakable vow. It is only thru “us” that I feel the very binding of my soul to yours into a one new being

With this, I solemnly say, "I love you."

You still are the only exception…

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Si Ryu

Masikip, at makipot na silid. Kapag inunat mo ang iyong mga braso ay tatama ang parehong kamay sa magkabilang dingding. Maalisangan at mainit. Mga bulong lamang ang maririnig kasama ng mga boses na mula sa telebisyon ukol sa commento ng CBCP sa RH Bill.


Gwapo sya. Maputi. Kay nipis at kay pula ng mga labi. Mabango. May mga titig na tila ba kayang tumagos sa buong pagkatao mo.


Itinanong ko, “Anung trabaho mo?”

“Wala Tambay. Dati akong Dancer sa Club”

“Weh di nga”

“Hindi ba halata?”


Matapos ko syang matikman. Matapos kong makilala ang kabuuan ng kanyang katawan, hinyaan nya akong pumasok ng kaunti sa kanyang kaluluwa, sa mga alaala ng kanyang nakaraan na bumubuo sa kung sino sya ngayon.


“Dise-sais (16) ako noon nung magsimula akong magsayaw sa club. May dance group kami nung high school tapos yun sumayaw na ko sa club. Naadik ako sa pera. Ok yung kita. Tapos ayun na adik din ako sa ecstasy. Hindi ko na natapos yung 4th year high school ”

“Nakadami na rin akong club na napasukan Big Papa, White Stallion. Masaya naman ako sa ginagawa ko. Sumasayaw. Yun talaga gusto ko eh… sumayaw”

“Eh anung nangyari ngayon?”

“Nagaway kasi kami nung manager nung groupo namin. Pinapatake out ako eh ayaw ko naman nun. Ok naman akong kausap. Madaldal naman ako natutuwa naman mga customer sa pagkwento kwento ko”


Oo charming sya. Kapag kausap mo sya parang ikaw lang ang tao sa mundo. Ikaw lang ang pinakaimportanteng tao sa mundo.


“Bi ka ba?”

“Ha hindi. Bading ako. Kaso Straight-acting pa-min ba”


“Ganto yan. Ang gusto ko lang kasi lalaki kaya bading ako. Yung paraan ng pagkilos ko hindi naman yun kelangan kapareho ng tingin ng mga tao kung ano yung bading. Yung Bi na sinasabi mo… anu yun gusto ng lalake at babae”

“Edi bi pala ako. Eto oh anak ko. 2yrs old na yan. ” Sabay kuha ng litrato

“E sino nanay nyan?”
“Yung ex ko. Kaso nasa States na sya. Iniwan nya sakin yan nung 2 months. Bente (20) lang ako nun”

“Nasan ngayon yang anak mo?”

“Nasa alabang. Nasa nanay ko kasama yung stepfather ko at yung half brother ko. Yung nanay ko kasi nagtrabaho sa Japan yun. Tas yung tatay ko, hapon yun. Kaso hindi ako binigay nung nanay ko nung naghiwalay sila”

“Kaya pala ang gwapo mo”
“Sus bolero…”

“Anong plano mo? Para sa sarili mo, para sa anak mo”

“Balak kong matapos yung High School sa Tesda. Tas alam mo yung Waiter sa barko? Gusto ko yun”

“E anu naman ginagawa mo para sa balak mong yan..”

“Wala pa nga eh. Wala pa kong pera para magsimulang mag-aral. Pero babalik din naman ako sa club siguro next month”

Tinitingnan ko sya. Yung pag-asa sa mukha nya. Yung kislap sa mga mata nya. Hindi pa sya sumusuko. Kilala na nya ang sarili nya. Yung gusto nya, yung kaya at hindi nya kayang gawin. Pero marami pa rin syang gustong makamit.

Hindi pala kami nagkakaiba. Marami ring mga pangarap. Naghahanap lang ng tiempo.

Sa totoo lang gustong gusto ko syang tulungan. Pero pano? Sarili ko nga hindi ko pa kaya. Kasing dami rin ng pangarap nya yung mga pangarap ko. Lahat drawing pa rin lang.

Siguro tama nga yung sabi nung kaibigan kong si Tony na sarili mo muna bago yung iba. Buhayin mo muna sarili mo. Ganun lang siguro. Tapos saka na natin ayusin ang mundo kapag nakakatayo na tayo sa ating sariling paa.


Tiningnan ko sya. Hindi naman sya humihingi ng tulong. Maari kailangan lang talaga nya ng makikinig sa kanya.

Tinanong ko sya, “Masaya ka ba?”

“Oo. Oo masaya ako. Kasi alam ko kaya ko pang iayos yung mga pagkakamali ko. Kaya ko pa…”

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Gusto mo sya. Ayaw ka nya.

Today, as the world tells me to retire
It reminds me once more...

That I will never have everything that I want

That I, an infinitesimal being in a vast universe,
can only have so much

That happiness dwelleth not in having what you want
but wanting what you have

That sometimes, no matter how hard one try, something or someone will never be theirs.
But that should not stop one from being happy

Because happiness is never without but within.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Every Time you Say I love you

Every cup of coffee
Every bottle of beer
Every piece of pastry

Every sigh of patience
Every smile when I’m present
Every sweet nothing spoken

Our silliness before we sleep
Every kiss so passionate, so deep
Every embrace well meant and warm
Every Time you hold my hands and arm

For every favor you’re not supposed to do
For every time you say “Pak yu”
For every tickle, and cuddle
For every time you wake me from slumber
Assure me so much, so much that words are not needed

‘Coz just you being in my life
Just you deciding to be mine
Makes me feel that I am so much loved

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Trip (Larch)

You’re the type who’s extroverted and self-assured
You didn’t catch my attention ‘coz of your smile but of your spunk
Seating beside you and smelling that perfume
Gives me a slight tingle, a concealed smile

The biceps
The shoulders
The Pecs and the Back
The white porcelain skin
And that rowdy attitude
That just shuts me up

And as you doze off as this trip progress
I glance at your face
You look so different as when you’re awake
So calm, so serene
You’re dreaming, escaping into your realm
So silent, so vulnerable
I loss myself there

Yet like any trip this too did end
And you beside me
Perhaps will never be again
But I regret not
That time you spent
Beside me, on that bus
You made my day just right

‘Til we met again

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

August 9, 2010

Hindi ko alam bat natahimik na lang ako bigla.

It seems that I can't compose my thoughts well enough. I am perhaps careful not to hurt you. Though I wanted you to know something but I just can't say it in a manner that you will understand that time. I never was a great speaker after all so I've just decided to shut up.

Naalala ko lagi kitang tinatanong kung bakit hindi tayo nag-aaway. "Hindi ba dapat nagaaway tayo kasi first few months natin?" is a question that I always ask you. Now that I kinda had a taste of what I'm asking for, I'm really afraid. Ang sakit pala pero patikim pa lang. Im not only thinking about the pain I'll suffer but also what you'll suffer. Sana di na tayo mag-away. Baka hindi ko kayanin.

Today, we did not really "fight". No one raised voices. No one made harsh remarks. No one cried. No one was mad. Perhaps a simple "misunderstanding" that I didn't want to talk about right there and then? I left you that afternoon wnith a very heavy feelig. Nasa MRT na ako pauwi... I noticed natutulala ako for some reason that I cant seem to grapple with. One thing is sure in my head: I am disappointed with you but I know I shouldn't be since what I'm asking you to do is beyond your capacity.

And this feeling of being down, bothered me the whole day... while making my paper, while having dinner, while working for my part time job, while not doing anything. I am not a master of this art you call "compartmentalization". And this is for a petty "misunderstanding".... I swear I wont insist that we should fight... It will ruin my day, week or month...

But I'm really glad we settled it before the day ended. You always seem to know what to do. You know me better than I thought. and as fast as that heavy feeling came, it left. One deep breathe of relief. and back to my regular yet well meant "I Love you, Hon"

Saturday, August 7, 2010


Nothing lasts forever... so shall I

Thought and Ideas are ever fleeting so I will, while I still can remember, scribe it outside my consciousness. So when I grow older, I can look back at the memories, thoughts and emotions that dwelt in my youth. The tears, the laughter and idleness that transpired in my stay here on earth are what I want to safely secure in this.

A journal of thoughts

A drawing board of dreams

And a pillow of comfort

Welcome to my Pensive. Share with me. Grow with me. And if luck swings our way, die with me.