Saturday, January 22, 2011

Love: a leap of Faith

I saw a child running after something that she doesn't really know what, but she ran without any inhibition nor fear of getting hurt. 

An older friend used to ask me why is it so easy for younger guys to fall in love so easily. Something like, meeting a guy on a bus one day then being committed to a relationship with that guy on the next day. 

Jumping into a relationship like that is just not his thing.

An accountant painstakingly plans his whole schedule for today, paying attention to every minute details so that he can submit this month's quotation to his client later around 6pm. Suddenly, hell seemed to explode on his face when MS Excel hanged and corrupted the final report that kept him awake all night. The back up file is only 75% and its already 2pm. 

Most adults learn to govern over their emotions. "Compartmentalize" to be  exact. They frame things, people, events and problems in neat, little boxes labeled and organized in a manner fit for their routines. They use their minds to govern their daily lives. Survival is a mind game, after all. Although, we all know that this is not a bulletproofed strategy especially when emotions and people come along and just won't fit into these boxes. They try to understand why they are feeling that way, who this person is, how does he affect his life and does he give him a certain advancement in his life. Rationalizing morbidly as the seemingly magical emotion called love dries into a quantifiable entity deprived of its mystery and fantasy. And as soon as he fully comprehend that what he felt was love, the opportunity had already passed by and love was nothing more than an old, wrinkled yesterday that got tired of waiting. 

The accountant barely made it for his 6pm deadline. He finished the quotations and sent it over the internet. He had decided to dump all of the things he planned for that night and just have dinner with friends as a reward for all that stress. He drove home late that night feeling spent yet fulfilled of his unplanned day.

Pain, yes everyone is blaming pain to be the reason why people are afraid of falling in love. Because love could make them vulnerable, could hurt them, and leave them messed up. They think of investments like the time, the money, the effort and the saliva and other bodily fluid that they will waste on the "wrong" person that they might get caught up in a romance. That's why they delay everything so that they are sure. 
Rational? Yes. 
Graspable? Yes. 
Quantifiable, yes. 
Selfish, perhaps. 
Assured against pain? Definitely, not.

Why is there such a commotion about making sure that you are falling in love with the right person? Why do we make people and ourselves wait (and sometimes in vain) when the end of it is more waiting?
Why do we keep delaying things? Is it because of fear? Is it because of assurance? 

The young girl cried as she tripped and wounded her knees. As her dad attended to her, she stopped crying then asked her dad to let her down. She went back to running after something that I just can't see.

Wisdom of age comes with the fear of repeating mistakes and falling on the same hole all over again. But, to us, the younger generation, there is no such thing as doing the same mistakes since we hadn't made them in the first place. Youth has its flaws that vindicates it. We do not seek assurance because we love the experience of the unknown and the thrill of unfolding the uncertain. We falter, yet due to exuberance, we stand up knowing that we could fail again but hoping that we won't. The flames of hope burns passionate in our idealistic world. Silly? Child's play? Perhaps. But, it is through this that we learn to openly accept the world, and we do not tire from believing love and the humanity that emanates it. And when we say "I love you", we might not understand what it means like you do but we understand enough to let it out in the open and let you open the doors of our heart.

Remember that no matter how weary, cynical and old you are... To love is to be young again

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Huling Bente pesos Jan. 12. 2010

Siguro dahil na rin sa dami ng hinahabol kong deadline, puyat at pagod, hindi ko na kinaya nung itext sa kin ni Mama na hindi na naman sya makakapagpadala ng P500 na allowance ko para sa linggong iyon.

Pano na yung pambli ko ng papel para sa projects at plates ko? Pano na yung ipangkakain ko bukas, hindi na nga matino yung kinain ko kahapon... Nakakapagod na mag-isip.

Buti na lang nagawan ko ng paraan kundi siguradong gutom ako bukas at hindi makakagawa ng drawings. Kinuha ko muna yung sweldo ko sa tutorials dapat bukas pa yung sweldo pero napakiusapan ko naman yung employer ko. Dinagdag ko na yung P400 sa huli kong bente sa bulsa. P420 para sa isang linggong gastos sa pagkain, supplies...

1 in the morning while I slide my triangle and T-square across my drawing table, I was dozing off. My roommate's phone rang waking me up. It was his dad asking him if he received the money he sent. Dun, hindi ko na napigilang umiyak. Umalis ako sa table at humiga sa kama.

Bakit sya na halos walang ibang ginawa kundi magfacebook at mag-NBA live ay binigyan ng Dios ng responsableng ama? Bakit sya na nagpupuyat lang kapag nanonood ng TV series o movie e hindi binigyan ng problema sa pera? Bakit ba kailangang pagdaanan ko ang mga bagay na to?

Hindi ko na napigilang lumuha. Hindi naman ako iyakin. Dala lang siguro ng pagod at puyat kaya bumigay na ko. Alam ko naman na hindi na magkanda-ugaga ang nanay ko kakatrabaho pero bakit kasi yung tatay ko e inabanduna na kami ng ganun ganun lang...

Unfair talaga ang mundo. Alam ko naman yun...

Tinext ko si Erick dahil naisip ko malamang gising pa yun, kapwa studyante eh. Sinabi ko sa kanya hinanakit ko. Pinaalala nya sa kin na lahat ng problemang dumarating kahit parang ang bigat-bigat e kaya mo. The problems you're bearing show what you can do and what you are capable of.

Denz, adapt to whatever is given to you. You are always bigger than your problem.

Kakayanin ko.