I always feel uneasy when the bills come. No matter where I and Joel eat when the bill comes and I know he would be paying, I feel “nahihiya” that he does so.
My boyfriend and I are already in our 8th month of being a couple. He is 24 years my senior, has a stable job, a car, a condo in the heart of the CBD of Makati, a great sense of humor, and a whole lot more. I, on the other hand, am an overstaying college student, with limited financial capabilities and several part-time jobs that help me support my everyday needs. Way before this relationship started, he already knows of the situation that I have. I’m not really as well off as he is so most of the times when we go on dates or go out with friends he usually pay for my expenses.
At the beginning of this kind of set-up, I already felt this uneasiness. I said to him that I am not having a relationship with him because of this perks and I know he knows that. He said that he had no problem paying the bills for me. “Hindi naman grabe ang gastos natin and I know na hindi mo naman ako ginagatasan” as he puts it.
I actually feel more ‘nahihiya’ when we eat with friends. Most of our friends are more financially stable compared to most so they would usually dine in places I can only afford when I make “ipon” for it. He always end up paying for our meals.
I feel that I am hurting my pride every time he does so. I feel thankful and I always make it a point that I let him know that I appreciate it, but still this uneasiness persist. I wondered why I feel like this, thus this blog.
I realized that I actually am afraid to look like a boytoy. I am afraid that if ever in any case (kung saka-sakali pero huwag naman sana in the near future) we break up and everything will be tallied into facts and conclusions, I will appear to have stayed around just because of the perks that he gave me. Even before and even to now, I know that I don’t stay with him because of these perks.
I stay because he makes me laugh my ass off most of the times. I stay because he wakes me up thoughtfully every morning when I have early appointments.I stay because he makes me feel like I’m amazing the way I am. I stay because he treats me as his equal and not like some kid. I stay because he goes out of his way at times just to help me out. I stay because of this intimacy that I feel each time we talk about misunderstandings. I stay because I do love him.
Right now, I am conscious that I need him. I need him to give me a pat in the back each time I feel down. I need him when I am running short with my finances since my mom can’t send allowance again. But, I don’t want this to be forever. I want things to come to a point where I can say that I love him but I don’t need him. I don’t need him but I choose to stay with him because I love him and for no other reasons at all. I want to love him just the way he loves me. He doesn’t need me. He can continue to live even if he leaves me but doesn’t do so because I know that he is staying for no other reason except love.
Joel, I promise to be a better man. I will do my best so that I can take you out for dinner in a fancy restaurant out of the country some day where we can talk about all those silly stuffs. I promise to drive you to places where we can just sit, relax and enjoy the view. I promise to give you aid whenever you’re down. For now, I am just a 20 year old boy who can only do so much, but I'm yours.
(I'm yours - The script)
Happy valentines day, hon.
Love always,
Denz
