Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Not Yet

I'm getting there
I can feel it

Being the person who I want to be
reaching my full potential

being self aware

but for now not yet
be patient

I promise I'll get there

a year or two
a decade or maybe soon

but don't give up
cause sometimes, I too
feel surrender

but you, but "us"
makes me want to continue

don't ever let go

be angry
but be forgiving
be irritated
but be permissive
be pissed
but listen
be of good counsel
but be passive
be in control
but know that I too need my space

let me stumble
so that I may stand on my own
let me screw up
so I can fix my mess

let me learn
let me live
let me be

cause when I"m finished with myself
It's you who I'll go home to

cause when I propel my own life
when I am finally who I want to be
I will still love you
like the way I love you right now
or perhaps even more

leaving me now
giving up on us right now

cannot and will not make me get there faster
and if you love me
if you really mean it as you say you do
see me now as to who I can be

be satisfied with me,
with the youthful exuberance of my love
'cause that exuberance might be the biggest part of me that you might miss

beneath this sheet of youth
is a man who can exceed your expectation

be patient, I am not done with myself yet...

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Absolute Beauty

Bakit ba kasi gustong gusto kong maging gwapo?
Kasi masayang atang maging gwapo

Bata pa lang ako alam ko na kapag looks ang pag-uusapan nahuhuli talaga ako lagi sa karera. Antaba-taba ko non, maiitim, laging nakayuko, inaasar lagi na baboy. Pero alam ko naman noon na pagdating sa utak, ahead ako lagi sa karera kaya doon ako nagfocus. Exams, quizzes, and recitations pass by without much worrying whether I aced it or fail. I’m just worried about how many mistakes I’ve made. Kapag more than 10 mistakes na yan sa periodical exams kinakabahan na ko dahil baka maka-apekto sa ranking ko sa top 5. Pero success naman dahil pumasa ako sa UP. Out of 250 students sa isang hamak na private school sa isang liblib na lugar, isa ako sa limang nakapasa mula sa school namin. UP na yeah! So affirmed na kahit papano na hindi nga ako bobo, my utak kahit papano at lamang kumpara sa iba pagdating sa academic things.

Ngayon masaya na ko kung utak at utak lang paguusapan. Pero pagdating sa itsura… wala pa ring nagbago on how I see myself. Hindi na ko mataba masyado, 5’9” ako at 158lbs, pangkaraniwan naman. Hindi mataba or payat. Nag-gy-gym na ko lately. My pinipilit na sinusunod na diet (madalas fail). Pero wala e… Sa paningin ko hindi pa rin talaga ako gwapo. Masking your insecurities with achievements doesn’t really make them go away. They still stay inside you making you feel like shit every time you see hot guys. Hot guys would usually remind me how ugly I am compared to them. Although I enjoy boys-watching, a part of me envies them, and curse them because they remind me how flawed I am.

E bakit ba kasi kelangan mong maging gwapo, Denz? What’s wrong with being you? You’re not ugly. Nakakabola ka naman ng lalake para mabembang. You sometimes get lucky and sleep with cute guys. Bakit ba insecure na insecure ka sa itsura mo?

I’ve tried using all the beauty products I can afford. The problem is… I can’t really afford the luxury of buying cosmetics and all that jazz. So ponds, masters, garnier lang… wala eh.. maitim pa rin ako. Growing up you can only qualify as gwapo if you’re mestizo, so being dark qualifies you as ugly. Buti na lang lately my market ang dark guys…

Then I learned about Planetromeo. Doon ko narealize na sa totoong buhay at sa sang-kabaklaan pala, itsura pa rin ang labanan para maka-score. Kung gusto mong i-jerjer ang gwapo dapat gwapo ka din. Ain’t that fair? Para makakuha ang isang average looking guy like me ng isang gwapo guy out there, e pahirapan talaga. Maliban na lang kung bibilhin mo. E WALA KA NGANG PAMBILI. Pota. Haha

E ikaw naman pala e. Ang motivation mo lang ba para maging gwapo ay ang makakuha ng gwapong boys? OO bakit? Sinong bakla ang aayaw sa gwapong boys? Kung sino man sya PAKYU SYA… ipokrita haha.

Sabi ni Plato, absolute beauty does not exist in reality. It only exists in the mind. And it is not right to say that a person is greater than another person in terms of beauty, because in itself absolute beauty compared to the beauty of a person seen is such a small thing and it is foolish to be greater by something less. I found my comfort here. It made me realize that if I aspire for beauty, I’ll fail. If I am not satisfied enough with the beauty I partake, I will never be satisfied since I’ll always aspire for more until I’m closer to the definition of absolute beauty which does not exist in reality.

Maybe that is why I am insecure. That’s why this insecurity causes me envy and pain because I’m dreaming of having what I want rather than wanting what I have. People aspire for something greater than what they have. Always hungry to be bigger, to be “better” yet they don’t understand that they can only do so much. They can only be so much. So instead of killing yourself with insecurity, why not love yourself. Accept it… You are only someone who can only be so much.

Maging masaya ka na hindi ka gwapo. Meron naman sigurong niche (niche talaga ang liit naman hindi man lang market) na finds you cute at mabebembang mo… Besides mabibili mo naman ang mga gwapo na yan. Sabi mo nga matalino ka. Edi gamitin mo talino mo para yumaman. Tapos pera mo na lang gamitin mo para bumili ng gwapo.

Parang ok na no? Pero why does my heart aches as I write this? Maybe because I’m shattering my own dream. I dream of being gwapo ever since noong narealize ko na panget ako but since hindi ko naman maabot, maging masaya na ako na isang not-so-gwapo-but-pwede-na gay guy. And I thought dreams are so supposed to be so big they can’t be real… movies… they poison your mind and only disappoint you…

I’m getting old. I think you’re making me grow old faster than I’m supposed to. As I’m losing my youth, as you watch it expire, and as the boy turns into a man, a part also has to die. It hurts but it’s the good hurt, much like the first pang of pain when wings start to grow from your back.