Let the words bleed out from this soul again

The whisper of a gentle breeze from a fan in a hot summer day is heard from a corner of this room. I am untangling the thoughts that bind me restless. Question of why is piling over the questions of how.
This existence is like a dying incandescent bulb in the middle of a stark black night. A drop of hope is spilt on all things rhetoric. The cycle of life becomes life itself and the man who was once a boy is caving in for all the things he would like to undo. Perhaps the boy knew more than the man.

As I wish my soul goodnight I asked of how this soul should be in the morning. But the question of why be there when the sun greet this concrete world is keeping me from sleeping.

The innocence of youth, the idealism that once have given one a reason to move forward is now left far from the path towards conformity. Somehow getting somewhere is not so far from going nowhere. Is this really the dream I had?

Tears that warm my cheek and the short breaths diminish this man yet a boy is wishing to play with sand and water to build his castle on the beach again. The man told the boy that the castle will be washed away by waves and the boy replied, “It will forever be in my heart”. “Why are you crying?” asked the boy. “Coz you are a dead” said the man “and that castle is now a made of concrete in the midst of a city”.

He wept and the boy smiled. Coz he remembered him one more time.

Never Quit

Never quit.

That is one lesson I’ve learned in my life. And being able to learn it was one hell of a task.

Things would always screw up and you are supposed to deal with it. Not always fix it, but deal with it.

Before going to college in UP, I took a stroll with my mom inside the campus. While walking with her, I promised that one day I’ll graduate with the Highest Honors. Magna cum laude was the dream. Being 16 back then, I never could have imagined what could hit me.

My dad decided to not work anymore for no particular reason.

My mom’s company where she worked for almost 10 years closed down.

They decided they don’t want to be together anymore.

My mom and my sisters were evicted from our apartment we were renting for 10 years.

I am struggling with college. We had no money and I am studying thanks to debts.

It tore me apart. I was 16 back then and I was torn to pieces. Shredded

I remember the coming to my professors begging if I can submit a hand written paper coz I don’t have money for computer renting or printing. I tried to avoid meeting my landlord as much as possible. I was buried in debts. My friend had always been there for me. God in particular was the only thing I had left with me.  I remember buying dinner for P5 and hoping something comes up the next day coz there won’t be anything left for any meal. I ate the most memorable meal in my life that day: half a cup of rice worth P4 that comes with Tinola soup that I’ve asked from the cafeteria for free, 1 pack of crispy Patata worth P1 and a lot of tap water. And thru all those times, God never left me.

                At any rate, I could’ve quit. I could’ve done what my dad did and go back to my province. I could’ve said enough. I could’ve ended everything back then. But there was just something in me that said I can make it. I can get out of that hell hole. But I knew I needed to compromise and let go some of my dreams, some pieces of my soul.

                I started taking in all the jobs I can get a hold of: English Tutor, Physics Tutor, Math Tutor for Korean, Japanese and Rich Filipino Kids, Speech Choir Trainer, Chamber Theater Director-trainer, Book lay out editor, Entrepreneur, Architectural CAD operator, Portrait Artist, part-time  Industrial Factory designer, and finally a call boy in a company called Accenture. I became what the wind asked me to be. What came at hand is the job that needs to be finished. From being a 200lbs kid after HS graduation, I went home to my mom after 6 mos weighing 161lbs. My mom was in tears when she saw me. I was teary eyed too coz I understood why. 

                Life was hard, no excruciating. But I still am here, I can breathe, I can move. So I will make means for me to live.

                Now I am 2 years delayed for graduation but that didn’t discourage me. In my whole stay in UP, I am perhaps the only student in the college who had inspired numerous students here and abroad that they can do anything if they put their hearts to it, made a living out of selling chocolates and charcoal sketches, was an unknown lay-out artist for an AIM journal, was part of a design team for a 200M pesos factory in Subic Bay, was in the design team for the landscaping of Alabang Town Center, was able to design an oven for drying painted handle rods for LV bags, and so much more. 

I lost my pride in all those jobs. I succumb to so many people in my life young, old and stupid people. But I gained something so much more, wisdom and courage as they say it. Not because I was perfect or a genius or ambitious, but simply because I didn’t quit. I am who I am because I never quit.

And now in my last 3 semesters in college, I will raise the bar because I don’t quit. Not till there is breathe in me.

                Because quitters are not losers… they’re dead.

               

Propositions

·         Love is a relationship with two party in existence with will

·         A party involved should be aware of his existence. Imperatively, a party must be able to define the realities around him and grasp where he stands in this. Otherwise, love cannot be.

·         Love does not exist where there is a primordial desire to compensate that of which lacks in one party’s existence.

·         Decisions are outward expressions of will. One cannot prove love without decisions adherent to a will.

·         The sincerity of words is indispensable in love. Where there is guile in words, the relationship taints.

·         To love is to trust unconditionally. To give even a party’s whole existence in complete trust in a belief that the other party’s desire is in adherence to a covenant of preserving their relationship. To not have trust is not love.

·         To transgress a covenant is essential to proving love. For to transgress is to forgive. And to forgive is to let a part of one soul to break and heal the other. Without transgression, one cannot prove love.

·         To hope indefinitely is essential to love. To put one’s conviction to the betterment of the each other.

·         To love is to exist in a shared reality. To trespass the soul of each other and to have a personal desire to mend the broken pieces of the self because you want to preserve it for you to exist in love as a whole individual.

Ang shota ko

Chubby ang shota ko
pero hot daddy ang dating

My bigote ang shota ko
nakakiliti...


Mahilig bumili ng Entertainment Magzine si shota
at halos 1/4 lang sa mga nandun ang kilala kong artista


OC ang shota ko
gusto nya lagi akong nagsislippers pag lumalabas ng kwarto
kasi yung aso ni landlady hindi house broken

Nakakatawa ang shota ko
minsan hihiga kami sa kama.. magkukwentuhan tapos tatawa lang ng tatawa
madalas dahil sa mababaw na usapan


Maalaga ang shota ko
hindi kakain yan hanggang hindi ako magising
kahit maging lunch na yung breakfast nya
para sabay kami


Understanding ang shota ko
minsan magrerequest ako na tawagan nya ko para magising
kasi mantika ako matulog
tapos ang record nya ay 86 missed calls...
(sorry)

Sweet ang shota ko
minsan ihahatid nya ako to work
kahit na alam kong sobrang galit sya sa traffic



Mahal ako ng shota ko
sa panahon na kailangan ko sya
lagi syang nandyan

para iyakan
para makipagtawanan
para tumulong
para magmahal


Mahal ako ng shota ko
at mahal na mahal ko din sya....


Labyu shota happy 16th! RAWR!

I keep forgetting....

Nasabi ko na dati. Pangarap ko talagang maging gwapo. To have that appeal that can soothe any soul with just a smile. ‘Till now I’m still trying to reach that dream. Gym. Hygiene. Diet (most of the time I cheat.. tsk tsk tsk). I’m doing everything but I still don’t feel beautiful.

People start to notice changes in my body. Guys in PR start to respond to my messages. Friends start commenting in FB Photos. But I still find my body flawed, ugly and unattractive. The insecurities of youth still haven’t left me although people say I think maturely…

Perhaps now is the time to drop it. Now is the time to realize that there is a disparity with what I want and who I am.

I saw a caterpillar engorging and, fattening himself. It prepares to hide in his cocoon then reveal himself to be a butterfly. It will eat relentlessly no matter how disgusting it looks to see such a small creature consume so much. It won’t care that he is vulnerable to the world as he tries to prepare for his first flight. And then, I wondered what if that caterpillar wanted to be a fish. It won’t eat leaves ‘coz fishes don’t do that. It won’t hide in its cocoon and would dream to swim. It will live its whole life dreaming a life he was not destined to be. He will dream of seas and oceans. He will dream to bathe in water under the sun. Such a beautiful dream, but that’s all there is to it. The caterpillar won’t become what he is supposed to be neither will it be what it dreams to be. It won’t see his own beauty because he is blinded by his desire.

Why would the sea dream to be the sky when it is magnificent in itself?

Hindi ako gwapo. I can never make people’s head turn as I stroll in malls or streets. Hindi ako ang mga bagay na ninanais ko na sana ay naging ako na lang. Dapat kong marealize… that desiring to be someone else will only lead me to a tragic life. A gay guy like me should know the value of living a truthful life. I should not live a life that is not my own. I should not lie to myself that I can be someone that I am not. I should know who I am and build my life from there.

I should not dream to be gwapo or macho or maapeal ‘coz I am already beautiful. “I am” is what I all have and it is enough and beautiful.

Then, I remembered AJ telling us… “You are beautiful”

And now, I promise that I won’t think that I’m hideous anymore and I will never aspire to be anybody else but myself…. 

Thanks AJ… you reminded me one last lesson … Goodbye friend…

i hope this reach you

Dear someone,

I know it had been hard for you lately. You might not notice it but every time you stare blankly into space, I know you're not ok. But you know its was half your fault. You fell in love with the wrong person and you fought for him even when he was pushing you away.

You had reflected on what he believes in so you would understand why you and him isn't so. But had he reflected upon your beliefs, your wants or your needs? Has he really or had you just grew too familiar that days without you beside him won't be the same-being afraid of losing you yet not really knowing where you fit in his life? Were you his victim? An innocent boy toyed around?

No

You were also half responsible for everything. You stayed when you could've walked away. You hoped when you knew it's time to give up. You took the tears and kept it to yourself when you should have screamed and called it quit. And now your in it too deep that it hurts too much to let him go.

We are young my friend. And we are easily blinded with emotions and frustrations. We fight for thing that already gave up on us. We wait when they say they are not coming. We hope that we get that fairy tale ending in the end. But that's not life, cause in reality life sucks. Shit happens and the world make it to throw it at you. And don't just sit there and wait for it to hit you HOPING that it won't.

When he says "I love you" you know he meant it in a totally different way that compared to how you conceived that phrase to be meant but you respond that you love him too- lying to yourself perhaps he really does understand you.

Enough my friend. There is so much in you. So much in you that's waiting to explode. Enough of the compromises, and the repression. You need to break free and make something of yourself. You need to be happy in the way that you want to be happy. You have very little control over the way things in this world unfold but at least you have control over your heart- make sure you that advantage of that. you'll find someone who love you the way you want him to love you... Enough of this shit, get your life back.

"You gotta to go after the things you want when you're still in your prime

cause there's a fine fine line between love and a waste of time"

Regards,

Dan

 

lately

Lately, I'm occupied with either work or school. Pumapasok at nagdaraan lang ang bawat linggo ng hindi ko namaalayan.

Lately, hindi na ko nagugutom ng over. Nakakakain na ako ng tama. Hindi na ko nagskip ng meals dahil wala akong pambili.

Lately, puyat ako lagi. Laging 5-6 hours lang ang tulog minsan nga installments pa. 3 hours sa umaga 2 hours sa hapon. Ang hirap kasi mag Callboy (cal cen-er like you know) sa gabi, tas student sa umaga.

Lately, pakiramdam ko pumupurol ang utak ko. I hadn't been reading any books or blogs.

Lately, I'm being consumed by my routine. Kailangan ko ng idefine kung bakit ko uli ginagwa ang mga bagay na ginagawa ko.

Lately, hindi na ko hayok sa sex. Masaya na ko sa palad ko at sa erotica o kaya sa 20+ porn videos. na naka-save sa cellphone. Pero dahil araw araw rin akong nag-e-MRT e minsan hindi maiiwasan na my makilala ka... kaso nga lang minsan late ako.. hindi na makapag-hunt...

Lately, napansin ko din na I'm losing contact with my friends and family. Mas madalas ko pa makita yung Janitor na assigned sa 17th floor (e nasa 20th floor yung offices namin) kesa sa Nanay ko. Cute naman kasi yung Janitor <LANDE>

Lately, nababagot ako sa Architecture subjects. Hindi ko na talaga makita yung sense kung bakit ako nag-aaral ng Arkitektura. Buti na lang my nahanap ako libro na balak kong basahin. Isang libro na ukol sa Philosophy at Architecture. I guess mas intrigued ako sa Philosophy part. But yeah

Lately, pumapayat ako, Mula 171 lbs nung April.161 lbs na lang ako. Nagkaka-braso na rin kahit papano. Pano na-a-adict ata ako mag buhat ng bakal... next target ko lumiit yun tyan at kahit papano makita yung adonis belt.

Lately, mas minamahal kita. Kasi the more I become independent and the more I feel that I can live without you, the more I yearn to be with you... simply because I love you.

Lately, gusto kong gumawa ng bagay na maganda kaso wala akong time. Maraming inspiration that will usually fleet away. I can't seem to encapsulate the great ideas that comes to me. Ewan ko ba.

Lately... hay inaantok na ko... Early lunch with Hon then Borlogs muna.

Lately, kelangan ko muling bumalik sa pamimilosopiya