To our Syrian children

You heard the bells,

And soon

Your tiny hands and tiny chin

Met the ground

And then you said,

Words beyond your grasp

Uttered in generations and

Generations passed

Echoes in the city

Echoes of words

You cannot grasp

Your tiny lips

That makes your sky wide smile

You whisper words you cannot grasp

Then a sound

More of a roar

Much louder than the bells

The booms and blasts,

And bellows heard throughout

You cannot grasp

And soon the air

Is thin, so thin

You cannot breathe

Your lungs they burn

                A colored dream

                Of red and ash

But you’re wide awake

                You’re standing there

You wail

You cry

Your eyes are swollen

Those big blue piercing eyes

Are bloodshot now

And one by one

No, by tens perhaps

Bodies drop

                On dirt and dust

And as you twitch

And lie with them

Those you played with

On rare calm morns

Their tiny hand you held

Their tiny lips you sang with

You twitched

And twitched

And twitched with them

                As if a dance

And when the pain

Cannot be bore

When you cry

But with tears no more

                The air escaped one final time

                You cannot hear the wails, you cannot feel the sore

You cannot hear no more

The words you cannot grasp

And they who killed you

They’ll fall on ground again

And say the words you haven’t grasped

                They have heard those words too much perhaps

                But they did not want to really grasped

Your blood was the price

Of blood owed by generations passed

Green-eyed

I am a curly haired boy

He has straight hair that the wind loves to comb thru

I am stout

He’s not overweight

Like the porridge Goldilocks engorged

I know it

 I do

You like the boy

I saw it

I watched

                                But not too long

Just enough to see

the way you gaze at his fresh young body,

his youth

                That I once had, the one I rid myself of to fit your circle

You touch him a bit too long

You look at him a bit too earnest

And it’s fine, I’m fine

Fine: an old linen aging, browning, and turning in to rag

                                                At the slightest useful

Fine: a wall thawing from winter’s cloak, cracking silently, unnoticeably

                                                Still stable

I’m fine

I just wait and sigh, wait and sigh

wait and sigh

From the trenches of a cliff inside my chest,

I exhaled,

It echoed perhaps prayed,

                                   “He’ll come home with me”

Tomorrow, Today, Death

Tomorrow, he buries him

Bury with him the letters he wrote

            Poems and prose, limericks and sonnets

                        Of passion, of jealousy,

                        Of doubts, of anger,

                        Of sweet-nothings, of bodies tangled up last night

He wouldn’t write back

He wants to write more

The mist was thick and the pavement, wet

            yes, wet with their liquids

                        yes, liquids of love

He wore his scarf. He wore his jacket

The pavements won’t remember

That they were who they were

But he would,

                        Every step he’ll make,

                        On the same wet pavement,

                        On a day overpowered by mist,

He’ll let out a sigh

That fated day, he wanted to see him

But the storm is unquenchable, unforgiving, relentless

He never knew. They never knew

He was the one to make a final blow

                        It would scar him

And, he can never wound him back.

                        A few inches separate them

                        The space between his face and the glass was a few inches

                        His face was on the glass

No one was to blame.

All but timing - malevolent, insidious, cunning

                   Tomorrow, he buries him

                                    the unspoken words

                                    the unwritten prose

                                    the unknown songs

                                    Clothes unreturned

                                                                              Today, he grieves

  

At Daybreak

A poem for PV


At daybreak, you became cold

Your warmth vanished like darkness at dawn
I was left longing for the guy who was seating beside me
Last night


Today,
Your eyes weren't meeting mine
You were silent

Our silence
Widens this 3 inch space between us
As I stood there
Trying to break this distance

Wordless cruelty, inaudible cries

I cant bear it

So, I asked
“Do you still want to be with me”

Gazing at the ground
Not looking for anything
You said
“No”

Last night, you held my hand
And you kissed me
Under the naked night sky

And you told me,
You did.

You loved me.

Work related stuff

I’m always told that my looks is not my greatest asset. I agree… Even my mom told me so in a conversation after watching late night TV. I’ve asked, “Mom, I’m handsome, right?” She replied nonchalantly “Don’t worry, dear… You’re smart anyway.” OUCH >_<

I’ve gotten a new job in a call center somewhere in QC. I’ve fancied this boy here.

I met him during my interview for the same company. I didn’t think that we would be in the same account. He’s well mannered, cultured, fluent in English (well he came from a school notorious for being wersh-wersh if you know what I mean). On top of that… He’s hot, chinito with a flawless skin and did I mention soooo hot?

He was one of my call training buddy (someone you observe while he takes calls). I was flustered sitting beside him (wishing I’m seating on him… hehe). He made my day and every time I see him it’s like all the stress floats away.

Cutting the story short. He’s straight and recently had this a girlfriend who’s in the same team with him. So faggots zero – girls one point.

I was so interested in him that time that one else compares. Then there was this guy we’ll call Z. 

He’s chinito, cute, fun to talk with and has a great sense of humor. Z is my smoking buddy. And ever since I’ve started smoking, I realized that nicer conversation arise when you have something to puff on. We became close. But I’m not really eyeing on Z since he’s also straight. I consider him one of my barkada boys.

He went to work one morning not being his normal self. He’s a bit quiet that morning. After work, he was looking for something to do. I told him that we can go to my place, drink and swim at the pool. He said it’s ok.

We bought 1 litre of Soju and since we were only the one drinking, we we’re drunk by the time we finished it. In the middle of drinking, he told me his insecurities, his sadness. Z let me in and introduced me to the little boy inside him.Gave him some things to think about on how to approach his problems (primarily Wittgenstein's doctrines, Berkeley's esse est percipi, Bentham's utilitarianism and other philosophical doctrines that I am interested on)

We took a swim for a few minutes just to sober up a bit and that's how I realized the his lean with chiseled abs. We went back to the condo for shower; we did it together with only our briefs on. Haha

After that, he was drying up and was removing his briefs. Then his phone rang. He answered it with nothing on but the towel he was holding between his legs knowing that I’m looking at his abs. I guess that was my go signal. Teased him a bit. And just like spaghetti in hot water, the straight boy bent. Let’s just say he was a treat, a big treat. Haha (faggots 1 - girls 1)

The great thing about Z is that we weren’t awkward with each other at all after that. We were still smoking buddies, jokes around during break time and have clean drinking sessions every now and then. Though, recently he had a girlfriend. But that didn’t stop things from happening but that’s a different story (faggots 2 - girls 1hehe).

What was memorable is this…

After doing the deed with Z, he said as I smelled alcohol in his breath, “You know it’s not your looks, it’s your mind that’s just… you know… like … wow”.

I guess my mom had it right. haha

Maxim 1.1.1

It dawned on me. The essential difference between commitment and ownership in relationships is this. Commitment is a covenant to the self that one will honor the terms of the relationship. The sacrifices, time and effort one will willingly invest for that relationship to prosper is commitment. Ownership is asking someone to invest or sacrifice his time, effort or at times dreams for the relationship.

Commitment in a relationship should come voluntarily from a person to give and take for the benefit of the relationship. He should be willing to reply to messages, and set aside time from his busy schedule for the relationship. It is a conscious effort of oneself that he does with happiness and freedom.

Ownership is asking someone to “honor their commitment” in terms that is acceptable for themselves. It is asking their partners to reply at every “Good Morning”, “Where are you”, “Have you had lunch” text messages that they sent. Ownership is expressed in a way that it holds the relationship as a ransom or implying that if he won’t do it, then he doesn’t love her anymore. 

When you are committed, you actually made a commitment to yourself. That you will honor your words and, you will give time. You are not proving anything to your lover  because love requires no proof but is a proof itself. 

Ownership is usually masked with “You should do this because you love me”. Commitment is “I will do this because I love you.” Commitment is quintessentially “I will”. Ownership, “You will”.

(And this is why I don't like girls... . Girls thinks they own your every waking moment)

Trophy Boyfriend

Love is not the face that could launch a thousand ships

It is his laughter that makes him lose poise

When I crack a joke that only we understand

Love is not the flawless skin that shimmers like diamonds under the sun

It is his caress on cold nights

Breaking my guard and giving me warmth

Love is not godlike visage that turns head on a busy street

It is his unadorned face while he sleeps soundly

Dreaming, fleeing from this earth

Love is not the smile that weakens the knees

It is his wisdom that gets me thru my mess

Love is not what is seen;

It is what is not.

You fail. You start again

When the sunrise decides to cover itself with monsoon clouds

And the birds of morning decides to sleep forever,

You should only light up a cigarette

And take that deep breath

And smile

That you see a day in a different palette

When the movie doesn’t end as you wished it to be

And when you hear the answers that you’re not looking for

You should throw your fist up the sky

To know that you’re not dreaming

That you’re living and still hoping

And when the castle crumbles, that one you built with blood and sleepless nights

You should close your eyes

And dream of a new one

With better walls and taller towers

And you should open your eyes

And learn from this failure

For the world will never turn for you

Nor the tides will part at your command

But thru your hands

And thru eyes

You hope, you dream, you fail

And you start again

Lord of the ring - Into the West (choral version)

It's been raining all throughout the week. This gave me a chance to watch LOTR extended trilogy...
I found this gem in Youtube....

Fiction: Eli and Abel

With a final thrust, he released shots of white fluid of ecstasy.

Room was dimly light just enough to see the outline of their faces.

Both grasping for their breath, Eli rested his head on Abel’s chest. Their hearts that were pounding by a fast beat had slowly calmed and they caught their breath.

Abel was playing fondly with his lover’s hair. Eli took a deep breath and asked, “Is Lisa picking you up at the airport tomorrow?”

“Yes, she said the kids might come along. I said there’s no need.”

Eli stared at their shoes lying around the floor. They were all over the place with no pair beside one another. He inhaled.

“Does she know?”

“All she knows is that I’m with my best man.”

“I guess that’s a bit accurate.”

They smiled and they embraced each other more tightly.

The AC humming was the only sound that filled the air.

“Are you happy with these? Is this how far that we can go?”

“I have obligations.”

Eli sighed then said, “Read to me… like you used to.”

He grabbed his eyeglass and a notebook on the bedside table.

He opened his mouth and took in air.

How happy is the blameless vestal's lot…
The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind…
Each pray'r accepted, and each….

Eli lifted his head and reached for his lips. He kissed it slowly as if he had it all for his own. His eyes were shut tightly, holding back his tears.

Eli let go of his lips and whispered to his ear as he laid flat on top of Abel. He said,

    No, fly me, fly me, far as pole from pole

    Rise Alps between us… and whole oceans roll

    Ah, come not, write not, think not once of me…

    Nor share one pang of all I felt for thee…

 Eli had let his tears fall on a pillow drenched with sweat.

Petrichor

It has already been two years since I met Joel. Time as we know changes things and in two years a lot can happen with people.

People change on their own phase. We reach goals and start new one. We create then destroy. Inside of our flesh is a universe where we reconcile disarrays in our lives. And at times, even we don't realize how much we have changed in such a short time.



Lately, we have a lot of disagreements and emotional outbursts that we try to reconcile. And it made me wonder at times why we're having these arguments frequently now after we've already been with each other for two years. I've realized that that was exactly the reason: Time. You are no longer the person I've known two years ago. You've changed.

Somehow as a relationship lasts, complacency surfaces. The feeling of being at ease with someone so familiar makes people overlook changes that happen with the same person they love. As time moves on and these new things start to pile, you realize that you don't know the person you've been with for so long and you yearn to find that same guy you've first met. And that is where problems start.

People change. You've changed and I must also know that so did I. We must learn to accept those changes and we must work harder with more patience so we can make this relationship lasts. I will regret losing you not because we've already been together for 2 years but because we could grow for the better in years to come.

Every time we reconcile our disagreements, it is like the sweet scent a storm leaves on dry earth that makes the ground fertile for life to grow. After every rain in our days, we grow together yet I must remember we also grow as individuals.


Happy 2nd Anniversary.

Poetry is a mistress of Love. Love is friends with Lost

Poetry is a mistress of Love. Love is friends with Lost

Litanya Merlinda Bobis

Huwag mo akong iiwan

Tulad ng pag-iwan ng anghel

Sa kanyang pakpak, nalimutan

Sa bus na gumarahe

Sa gabing walang buwan

Huwag mo akong iiwan

Tulad ng pag-iwan ng buwan

Sa kaniyang mata, nahulog

Sa sapang nananaginip

Ng dilim na walang pintuan

Huwag mo akong iiwan

Tulad ng pag-iwan ng dilim

Sa kanyang tainga, pinigtal

Ng hanging nananalangin

Sa kay agang namaalam

Huwag mo akong iiwan

Tulad ng pag-iwan ng hangin

Sa kaniyang dila, nangupas

Sa kakahiyaw na

‘Huwag mo akong iiwan’

Star-crossed Ronald Baytan
You are a waterfall,
and I a stream:
You will forever flow through me
but I shall never contain you,
And you will never wash me away.

 Every line of Poetry is an ode to Love. They have an affair like 2 people walking at the same path yet they can never be together because Illusion was always between them.

Every great man who has written great poems had encountered Love and had offered their words for Love. Though they have passed and had left this earth, their odes had been forever treasured by Love who was capricious and had wanted to hear her lover’s promises ad infinitum.

Love and Poetry cannot wed. For Love in itself exist in Forever, so does Poetry but only when he is alone. Being with Love will consume Poetry until he is vanished.

Love is friends to Lost.

Love fears Lost like a slave to his master. But Love needs Lost because Lost had freed Love from the ethereal realm and grounds him to this mortal world.

If you want to have Love, you must fear Lost as Love does but you must also respect Lost and be aware of his existence for you to capture Love otherwise Love will escape from you for your means alone cannot contain Love in this world.

The price of Love is befriending Lost.

Niig

Napapagod ba ang alon sa paghampas sa dalampasigan?

Paulit ulit, at hindi tumitigil

Hinagod ng marahan

At isasagad matapos

Kung minsa’y mabagal

Kung minsa’y nakahihingal

Hihimurin ang buhangin

At yayakapin

Mayroong matitirang ilang puting bula

Marahil sa paghampas ay tila pagbayo

At pagkadyot

Nakikipagniig

Nilalabasan

Hindi na

Found this great song in youtube...
along with this poem from the past. This was dedicated to L and J



Hindi na....

Hindi na kita iniisip bawat minuto
Hindi na ko na tinitingnan ang Friendster mo twing mag bubukas ako ng net
Hindi na kita tinetext
Hindi na pumapasok ang pangalan mo sa isip ko kapag nanonood ako ng Romance

Hindi na.

Tapos na...

Tapos na yung scrapbook natin na sinimulan natin dalawa pero tinapos kong mag isa
Tapos na rin ako sa pagliligpit ng mga pictures natin
Tapos na rin akong mag delete ng pictures natin sa cellphone ko
Tapos na yung RPG Game na niregalo mo sakin kahit hindi ko gusto pinilit kong laruin

Tapos na.

Wala na...

Wala ng nag-gu-good night sa ken
Wala na ring nagsasabi na hindi pantay ang tenga ko
Wala ng sumisigaw sakin sa telepono para gumising ako ng maaga
Wala ng ooder ng Burger Steak na double rice pag pumunta ako ng Jollibee

Wala na.

Ikaw ang Mundo. Ikaw ang Araw
Ikaw ang Umaga at ang Gabi
Ikaw ang Hangin sa lilim ng Puno ng Sumpaan
Ikaw ang Liwanag. Ikaw ang Dilim
Ikaw ang Luha at ang Ngiti

Ikaw...
Pero

Hindi na
Tapos na
Wala na

Dalawang bagay na lang.

Sana...
Sana...

Hindi na kita isipin bago matulog
Hindi na kita hanapin sa paggising

Let the words bleed out from this soul again

The whisper of a gentle breeze from a fan in a hot summer day is heard from a corner of this room. I am untangling the thoughts that bind me restless. Question of why is piling over the questions of how.
This existence is like a dying incandescent bulb in the middle of a stark black night. A drop of hope is spilt on all things rhetoric. The cycle of life becomes life itself and the man who was once a boy is caving in for all the things he would like to undo. Perhaps the boy knew more than the man.

As I wish my soul goodnight I asked of how this soul should be in the morning. But the question of why be there when the sun greet this concrete world is keeping me from sleeping.

The innocence of youth, the idealism that once have given one a reason to move forward is now left far from the path towards conformity. Somehow getting somewhere is not so far from going nowhere. Is this really the dream I had?

Tears that warm my cheek and the short breaths diminish this man yet a boy is wishing to play with sand and water to build his castle on the beach again. The man told the boy that the castle will be washed away by waves and the boy replied, “It will forever be in my heart”. “Why are you crying?” asked the boy. “Coz you are a dead” said the man “and that castle is now a made of concrete in the midst of a city”.

He wept and the boy smiled. Coz he remembered him one more time.

Never Quit

Never quit.

That is one lesson I’ve learned in my life. And being able to learn it was one hell of a task.

Things would always screw up and you are supposed to deal with it. Not always fix it, but deal with it.

Before going to college in UP, I took a stroll with my mom inside the campus. While walking with her, I promised that one day I’ll graduate with the Highest Honors. Magna cum laude was the dream. Being 16 back then, I never could have imagined what could hit me.

My dad decided to not work anymore for no particular reason.

My mom’s company where she worked for almost 10 years closed down.

They decided they don’t want to be together anymore.

My mom and my sisters were evicted from our apartment we were renting for 10 years.

I am struggling with college. We had no money and I am studying thanks to debts.

It tore me apart. I was 16 back then and I was torn to pieces. Shredded

I remember the coming to my professors begging if I can submit a hand written paper coz I don’t have money for computer renting or printing. I tried to avoid meeting my landlord as much as possible. I was buried in debts. My friend had always been there for me. God in particular was the only thing I had left with me.  I remember buying dinner for P5 and hoping something comes up the next day coz there won’t be anything left for any meal. I ate the most memorable meal in my life that day: half a cup of rice worth P4 that comes with Tinola soup that I’ve asked from the cafeteria for free, 1 pack of crispy Patata worth P1 and a lot of tap water. And thru all those times, God never left me.

                At any rate, I could’ve quit. I could’ve done what my dad did and go back to my province. I could’ve said enough. I could’ve ended everything back then. But there was just something in me that said I can make it. I can get out of that hell hole. But I knew I needed to compromise and let go some of my dreams, some pieces of my soul.

                I started taking in all the jobs I can get a hold of: English Tutor, Physics Tutor, Math Tutor for Korean, Japanese and Rich Filipino Kids, Speech Choir Trainer, Chamber Theater Director-trainer, Book lay out editor, Entrepreneur, Architectural CAD operator, Portrait Artist, part-time  Industrial Factory designer, and finally a call boy in a company called Accenture. I became what the wind asked me to be. What came at hand is the job that needs to be finished. From being a 200lbs kid after HS graduation, I went home to my mom after 6 mos weighing 161lbs. My mom was in tears when she saw me. I was teary eyed too coz I understood why. 

                Life was hard, no excruciating. But I still am here, I can breathe, I can move. So I will make means for me to live.

                Now I am 2 years delayed for graduation but that didn’t discourage me. In my whole stay in UP, I am perhaps the only student in the college who had inspired numerous students here and abroad that they can do anything if they put their hearts to it, made a living out of selling chocolates and charcoal sketches, was an unknown lay-out artist for an AIM journal, was part of a design team for a 200M pesos factory in Subic Bay, was in the design team for the landscaping of Alabang Town Center, was able to design an oven for drying painted handle rods for LV bags, and so much more. 

I lost my pride in all those jobs. I succumb to so many people in my life young, old and stupid people. But I gained something so much more, wisdom and courage as they say it. Not because I was perfect or a genius or ambitious, but simply because I didn’t quit. I am who I am because I never quit.

And now in my last 3 semesters in college, I will raise the bar because I don’t quit. Not till there is breathe in me.

                Because quitters are not losers… they’re dead.

               

Propositions

·         Love is a relationship with two party in existence with will

·         A party involved should be aware of his existence. Imperatively, a party must be able to define the realities around him and grasp where he stands in this. Otherwise, love cannot be.

·         Love does not exist where there is a primordial desire to compensate that of which lacks in one party’s existence.

·         Decisions are outward expressions of will. One cannot prove love without decisions adherent to a will.

·         The sincerity of words is indispensable in love. Where there is guile in words, the relationship taints.

·         To love is to trust unconditionally. To give even a party’s whole existence in complete trust in a belief that the other party’s desire is in adherence to a covenant of preserving their relationship. To not have trust is not love.

·         To transgress a covenant is essential to proving love. For to transgress is to forgive. And to forgive is to let a part of one soul to break and heal the other. Without transgression, one cannot prove love.

·         To hope indefinitely is essential to love. To put one’s conviction to the betterment of the each other.

·         To love is to exist in a shared reality. To trespass the soul of each other and to have a personal desire to mend the broken pieces of the self because you want to preserve it for you to exist in love as a whole individual.

Ang shota ko

Chubby ang shota ko
pero hot daddy ang dating

My bigote ang shota ko
nakakiliti...


Mahilig bumili ng Entertainment Magzine si shota
at halos 1/4 lang sa mga nandun ang kilala kong artista


OC ang shota ko
gusto nya lagi akong nagsislippers pag lumalabas ng kwarto
kasi yung aso ni landlady hindi house broken

Nakakatawa ang shota ko
minsan hihiga kami sa kama.. magkukwentuhan tapos tatawa lang ng tatawa
madalas dahil sa mababaw na usapan


Maalaga ang shota ko
hindi kakain yan hanggang hindi ako magising
kahit maging lunch na yung breakfast nya
para sabay kami


Understanding ang shota ko
minsan magrerequest ako na tawagan nya ko para magising
kasi mantika ako matulog
tapos ang record nya ay 86 missed calls...
(sorry)

Sweet ang shota ko
minsan ihahatid nya ako to work
kahit na alam kong sobrang galit sya sa traffic



Mahal ako ng shota ko
sa panahon na kailangan ko sya
lagi syang nandyan

para iyakan
para makipagtawanan
para tumulong
para magmahal


Mahal ako ng shota ko
at mahal na mahal ko din sya....


Labyu shota happy 16th! RAWR!

I keep forgetting....

Nasabi ko na dati. Pangarap ko talagang maging gwapo. To have that appeal that can soothe any soul with just a smile. ‘Till now I’m still trying to reach that dream. Gym. Hygiene. Diet (most of the time I cheat.. tsk tsk tsk). I’m doing everything but I still don’t feel beautiful.

People start to notice changes in my body. Guys in PR start to respond to my messages. Friends start commenting in FB Photos. But I still find my body flawed, ugly and unattractive. The insecurities of youth still haven’t left me although people say I think maturely…

Perhaps now is the time to drop it. Now is the time to realize that there is a disparity with what I want and who I am.

I saw a caterpillar engorging and, fattening himself. It prepares to hide in his cocoon then reveal himself to be a butterfly. It will eat relentlessly no matter how disgusting it looks to see such a small creature consume so much. It won’t care that he is vulnerable to the world as he tries to prepare for his first flight. And then, I wondered what if that caterpillar wanted to be a fish. It won’t eat leaves ‘coz fishes don’t do that. It won’t hide in its cocoon and would dream to swim. It will live its whole life dreaming a life he was not destined to be. He will dream of seas and oceans. He will dream to bathe in water under the sun. Such a beautiful dream, but that’s all there is to it. The caterpillar won’t become what he is supposed to be neither will it be what it dreams to be. It won’t see his own beauty because he is blinded by his desire.

Why would the sea dream to be the sky when it is magnificent in itself?

Hindi ako gwapo. I can never make people’s head turn as I stroll in malls or streets. Hindi ako ang mga bagay na ninanais ko na sana ay naging ako na lang. Dapat kong marealize… that desiring to be someone else will only lead me to a tragic life. A gay guy like me should know the value of living a truthful life. I should not live a life that is not my own. I should not lie to myself that I can be someone that I am not. I should know who I am and build my life from there.

I should not dream to be gwapo or macho or maapeal ‘coz I am already beautiful. “I am” is what I all have and it is enough and beautiful.

Then, I remembered AJ telling us… “You are beautiful”

And now, I promise that I won’t think that I’m hideous anymore and I will never aspire to be anybody else but myself…. 

Thanks AJ… you reminded me one last lesson … Goodbye friend…