i hope this reach you

Dear someone,

I know it had been hard for you lately. You might not notice it but every time you stare blankly into space, I know you're not ok. But you know its was half your fault. You fell in love with the wrong person and you fought for him even when he was pushing you away.

You had reflected on what he believes in so you would understand why you and him isn't so. But had he reflected upon your beliefs, your wants or your needs? Has he really or had you just grew too familiar that days without you beside him won't be the same-being afraid of losing you yet not really knowing where you fit in his life? Were you his victim? An innocent boy toyed around?

No

You were also half responsible for everything. You stayed when you could've walked away. You hoped when you knew it's time to give up. You took the tears and kept it to yourself when you should have screamed and called it quit. And now your in it too deep that it hurts too much to let him go.

We are young my friend. And we are easily blinded with emotions and frustrations. We fight for thing that already gave up on us. We wait when they say they are not coming. We hope that we get that fairy tale ending in the end. But that's not life, cause in reality life sucks. Shit happens and the world make it to throw it at you. And don't just sit there and wait for it to hit you HOPING that it won't.

When he says "I love you" you know he meant it in a totally different way that compared to how you conceived that phrase to be meant but you respond that you love him too- lying to yourself perhaps he really does understand you.

Enough my friend. There is so much in you. So much in you that's waiting to explode. Enough of the compromises, and the repression. You need to break free and make something of yourself. You need to be happy in the way that you want to be happy. You have very little control over the way things in this world unfold but at least you have control over your heart- make sure you that advantage of that. you'll find someone who love you the way you want him to love you... Enough of this shit, get your life back.

"You gotta to go after the things you want when you're still in your prime

cause there's a fine fine line between love and a waste of time"

Regards,

Dan

 

lately

Lately, I'm occupied with either work or school. Pumapasok at nagdaraan lang ang bawat linggo ng hindi ko namaalayan.

Lately, hindi na ko nagugutom ng over. Nakakakain na ako ng tama. Hindi na ko nagskip ng meals dahil wala akong pambili.

Lately, puyat ako lagi. Laging 5-6 hours lang ang tulog minsan nga installments pa. 3 hours sa umaga 2 hours sa hapon. Ang hirap kasi mag Callboy (cal cen-er like you know) sa gabi, tas student sa umaga.

Lately, pakiramdam ko pumupurol ang utak ko. I hadn't been reading any books or blogs.

Lately, I'm being consumed by my routine. Kailangan ko ng idefine kung bakit ko uli ginagwa ang mga bagay na ginagawa ko.

Lately, hindi na ko hayok sa sex. Masaya na ko sa palad ko at sa erotica o kaya sa 20+ porn videos. na naka-save sa cellphone. Pero dahil araw araw rin akong nag-e-MRT e minsan hindi maiiwasan na my makilala ka... kaso nga lang minsan late ako.. hindi na makapag-hunt...

Lately, napansin ko din na I'm losing contact with my friends and family. Mas madalas ko pa makita yung Janitor na assigned sa 17th floor (e nasa 20th floor yung offices namin) kesa sa Nanay ko. Cute naman kasi yung Janitor <LANDE>

Lately, nababagot ako sa Architecture subjects. Hindi ko na talaga makita yung sense kung bakit ako nag-aaral ng Arkitektura. Buti na lang my nahanap ako libro na balak kong basahin. Isang libro na ukol sa Philosophy at Architecture. I guess mas intrigued ako sa Philosophy part. But yeah

Lately, pumapayat ako, Mula 171 lbs nung April.161 lbs na lang ako. Nagkaka-braso na rin kahit papano. Pano na-a-adict ata ako mag buhat ng bakal... next target ko lumiit yun tyan at kahit papano makita yung adonis belt.

Lately, mas minamahal kita. Kasi the more I become independent and the more I feel that I can live without you, the more I yearn to be with you... simply because I love you.

Lately, gusto kong gumawa ng bagay na maganda kaso wala akong time. Maraming inspiration that will usually fleet away. I can't seem to encapsulate the great ideas that comes to me. Ewan ko ba.

Lately... hay inaantok na ko... Early lunch with Hon then Borlogs muna.

Lately, kelangan ko muling bumalik sa pamimilosopiya

Paglipas, paglaon

sa  pagligamgam ng minsang kumukulong pagsinta




ang upos ng baga ay tatangayin ng alaala



ang daluyong
ngayo'y ambon sa sinapupunan ng gunita


ako at ikaw hahawiin

sa pagliwayway
ang pag-ibig noo'y

isa na lamang di tiyak na damdamin






dahil uso ang break up... isang tula...

MRT Boni Avenue 2

Nakuha ko na number nya... Nung pumasok ako sa office, tenga sa tenga ngiti ko. hahaha. Una dahil nakakuha ako ng Pogi na bagets at nadiligan ang tigang kong lupa...

Nagtext sya bago ko ipasok sa locker yung cellphone ko.

"Anu bukas?"
"Okay lang"
"Libre mo?"
<me thinking: buti na lang my gift card ako ng SOGO haha>
"GAME!"

Buong araw akong nakasmile kahit yung mga irate callers e parang hindi kayang sirain mood ko haha

at dumating ang pinakahihintay na araw. Dahil galing nga akong duty, I wasn't able to wake up early. I got my phone and saw his text message
"Sa friday na lang"

Naku kaya ko ba syang isingit sa schedule ko? kaya yan

6:30 to 12pm : borlogs
12pm-3pm: motel
3-4pm: balik ng UP
4-5pm: tulog ng unti
5-7pm: class
7-8pm: commute to work
8pm-5am: work

Jusko... buti na lang cute sya haha Effort to... EFFORT

"Game okay lang mga 1pm tayo meet sa Cubao" (text ko)
"Okay lang hehe"


shet... 6'1, moreno, cute, lean... hay lucky day ko siguro haha



to be continued...

MRT Boni Avenue

Noong high school ako… pnagpantasyahan ko yung best friend ko. AUsually sya yung theme ng fantasies ko kapag mag-jajack off... And I know he’s straight so I’ve never considered it to become real.

5 years later… That fantasy came true… well somehow….

It was a rainy afternoon. Just one more train station, and I’m coming down to go to the office. I’m actually running late. Then he got on the train. Our eyes met. And They refused to break the trance. Sabi ko sa sarili ko “bakit ngayon ka lang sumakay! Baba na ko eh!”

A towering 6’1, with dorky glasses and that straight black hair that I find really attractive he caught my attention just as the other gay guys on the train. BUT BUT I am going dow on the next station! Boni Staton na! Bakit kasi sa Shaw Boulevard ka lang sumakay…. Hay.

Then Tumatabi ako sa kanya. He still is looking at me. I am looking at him… Teka…

Then the door opens. Isang napakalalim na buntonghininga. HAAAAAYYY

He also stepped down on the same station. WAHHH and he is still looking WAHHHHH. Now my heart’s racing…

HONG GWOPO KO NOMON (talagang ako ang focus eh ano)

I’ll do this. I’ll get his number… parang sabi nga ni Dalumat, grace him with your presence wag ka nang mahiya. Haha ganun na lang inisip ko para maglakas loob. Lumapit ako. Tumitingin sya pero naglalakad sya diretso pababa.

“Pwede makuha number mo?” (ako)

“Baket?”
“Wala lang…” (ako)

“Teka sunod ka muna sa kin”

Nareject ba ako? TEKA LATE NA KO! Pero kasi Ansarap nya e if ever! Sige na nga sunod na lang… TEKA baka holdaper to. Pero anlaki ng katawan ko compared to him. Kaya ko sya… at pwede rin akong tumili.. saka pag after 5 mins wala pa alis na lang ako.. LATE na ko eh.

Then bumaba sya sa stairs then lumiko sa MCDO sa Boni Avenue. Ayun… Diretso sa CR. ALAM NA hahahaha

“Uhmm medyo late na kasi ako. Anung number mo?” (ako)

“Teka lang pa-late ka na”

“E… ano e”

Sabay kuha ng kamay ko at pinatong sa already hard na tootut nya… infurness… na convinced akong magpalate! Hahahaha

“Teka” Sabay bukas ng pinto ng cubicle.

Ayun na MOMOX (Make Out Make Out Xtreme). At syempre I’m already on my toes dahil 5’9 lang ako at sya ay 6’1. Anlabot ng labi pota.

“Palabas tayo. May tissue naman”

Then you know what happened next...

In the end, Got his number….  AT HINDI AKO NA LATE!

Itutuloy… hahaha

Hmmm RAWR!!!

It's official I have changed my expression from "Woof woof" and "Arf Arf"  to

RAWR!

Dan quotes

Life is a balance of choosing to be happy now and planning means on how to still be happy in the future. And it gets easier when you're aware that you are balancing it. RAWR!