how to know if you will love a person

simple... if he matters to you enough to upset you now. If he matters enough to cause agitation. If he matters enough to tingle you in the right place. If you can ignore him and just set him aside despite him yearning to be yours... I suppose be man enough to admit that you don't love him...

don't keep him in queue.. You might be keeping him away from someone who can love him for all that he is...

Be considerate... neither of you would benefit if you know you're just  keeping him as one of your fail-safe..

you might just be wasting time...

Ipagpatawad mo kaibigan

Ipagpatawad mo kaibigan
Pagkat hindi ko kayang bitawan
Ang mga salita ng katotohahanan

hindi ko naiintindihan
hindi mo maiintindihan


Pagkat maigi ang kasinunalingan
na sa iyo'y lubos na may kaliwanagan
na iyong sinasampalatayanan
ngunit hanggang kailan?

Naluluoy din ang pag-asa na dala ng pag-irog

at minsan lamang dumadapo ang pagkakataon upang
ang mga matang walang dungis ay buksan
ngunit hindi ako ang susugat
upang ika'y imulat

imulat sa kasawian...


Dala ng ating kabataan
Dala ng kawalang kamuangan
Kaya't tayo'y ikinukubli sa kadiliman

Marahil ay maigi ngang wala tayong nalalaman

Pagkat sa puso'y may ngiti
kahit na bulag ay walang lugami

Ipagpatawad mo kaibigan
Ipagpatawad ang kabalintunaan

Pagkat nanaisin na ikaw ay manatili
sa karimlan na may ngiti




kaysa sa liwanag
na puno ng pighati...

Not Yet

I'm getting there
I can feel it

Being the person who I want to be
reaching my full potential

being self aware

but for now not yet
be patient

I promise I'll get there

a year or two
a decade or maybe soon

but don't give up
cause sometimes, I too
feel surrender

but you, but "us"
makes me want to continue

don't ever let go


be angry
but be forgiving
be irritated
but be permissive
be pissed
but listen
be of good counsel
but be passive
be in control
but know that I too need my space

let me stumble
so that I may stand on my own
let me screw up
so I can fix my mess

let me learn
let me live
let me be

cause when I"m finished with myself
It's you who I'll go home to

cause when I propel my own life
when I am finally who I want to be
I will still love you
like the way I love you right now
or perhaps even more

leaving me now
giving up on us right now

cannot and will not make me get there faster
and if you love me
if you really mean it as you say you do
see me now as to who I can be


be satisfied with me,
with the youthful exuberance of my love
'cause that exuberance might be the biggest part of me that you might miss



beneath this sheet of youth
is a man who can exceed your expectation



be patient, I am not done with myself yet...

Absolute Beauty

Bakit ba kasi gustong gusto kong maging gwapo?

Kasi masayang atang maging gwapo

Ambabaw…

Bata pa lang ako alam ko na kapag looks ang pag-uusapan nahuhuli talaga ako lagi sa karera. Antaba-taba ko non, maiitim, laging nakayuko, inaasar lagi na baboy. Pero alam ko naman noon na pagdating sa utak, ahead ako lagi sa karera kaya doon ako nagfocus. Exams, quizzes, and recitations pass by without much worrying whether I aced it or fail. I’m just worried about how many mistakes I’ve made. Kapag more than 10 mistakes na yan sa periodical exams kinakabahan na ko dahil baka maka-apekto sa ranking ko sa top 5. Pero success naman dahil pumasa ako sa UP. Out of 250 students sa isang hamak na private school sa isang liblib na lugar, isa ako sa limang nakapasa mula sa school namin. UP na yeah! So affirmed na kahit papano na hindi nga ako bobo, my utak kahit papano at lamang kumpara sa iba pagdating sa academic things.

Ngayon masaya na ko kung utak at utak lang paguusapan. Pero pagdating sa itsura… wala pa ring nagbago on how I see myself. Hindi na ko mataba masyado, 5’9” ako at 158lbs, pangkaraniwan naman. Hindi mataba or payat. Nag-gy-gym na ko lately. My pinipilit na sinusunod na diet (madalas fail). Pero wala e… Sa paningin ko hindi pa rin talaga ako gwapo. Masking your insecurities with achievements doesn’t really make them go away. They still stay inside you making you feel like shit every time you see hot guys. Hot guys would usually remind me how ugly I am compared to them. Although I enjoy boys-watching, a part of me envies them, and curse them because they remind me how flawed I am.

E bakit ba kasi kelangan mong maging gwapo, Denz? What’s wrong with being you? You’re not ugly. Nakakabola ka naman ng lalake para mabembang. You sometimes get lucky and sleep with cute guys. Bakit ba insecure na insecure ka sa itsura mo?

I’ve tried using all the beauty products I can afford. The problem is… I can’t really afford the luxury of buying cosmetics and all that jazz. So ponds, masters, garnier lang… wala eh.. maitim pa rin ako. Growing up you can only qualify as gwapo if you’re mestizo, so being dark qualifies you as ugly. Buti na lang lately my market ang dark guys…

Then I learned about Planetromeo. Doon ko narealize na sa totoong buhay at sa sang-kabaklaan pala, itsura pa rin ang labanan para maka-score. Kung gusto mong i-jerjer ang gwapo dapat gwapo ka din. Ain’t that fair? Para makakuha ang isang average looking guy like me ng isang gwapo guy out there, e pahirapan talaga. Maliban na lang kung bibilhin mo. E WALA KA NGANG PAMBILI. Pota. Haha

E ikaw naman pala e. Ang motivation mo lang ba para maging gwapo ay ang makakuha ng gwapong boys? OO bakit? Sinong bakla ang aayaw sa gwapong boys? Kung sino man sya PAKYU SYA… ipokrita haha.

Sabi ni Plato, absolute beauty does not exist in reality. It only exists in the mind. And it is not right to say that a person is greater than another person in terms of beauty, because in itself absolute beauty compared to the beauty of a person seen is such a small thing and it is foolish to be greater by something less. I found my comfort here. It made me realize that if I aspire for beauty, I’ll fail. If I am not satisfied enough with the beauty I partake, I will never be satisfied since I’ll always aspire for more until I’m closer to the definition of absolute beauty which does not exist in reality.

Maybe that is why I am insecure. That’s why this insecurity causes me envy and pain because I’m dreaming of having what I want rather than wanting what I have. People aspire for something greater than what they have. Always hungry to be bigger, to be “better” yet they don’t understand that they can only do so much. They can only be so much. So instead of killing yourself with insecurity, why not love yourself. Accept it… You are only someone who can only be so much.

Maging masaya ka na hindi ka gwapo. Meron naman sigurong niche (niche talaga ang liit naman hindi man lang market) na finds you cute at mabebembang mo… Besides mabibili mo naman ang mga gwapo na yan. Sabi mo nga matalino ka. Edi gamitin mo talino mo para yumaman. Tapos pera mo na lang gamitin mo para bumili ng gwapo.

Parang ok na no? Pero why does my heart aches as I write this? Maybe because I’m shattering my own dream. I dream of being gwapo ever since noong narealize ko na panget ako but since hindi ko naman maabot, maging masaya na ako na isang not-so-gwapo-but-pwede-na gay guy. And I thought dreams are so supposed to be so big they can’t be real… movies… they poison your mind and only disappoint you…

I’m getting old. I think you’re making me grow old faster than I’m supposed to. As I’m losing my youth, as you watch it expire, and as the boy turns into a man, a part also has to die. It hurts but it’s the good hurt, much like the first pang of pain when wings start to grow from your back.

Monogamy ( a reply to an MGG post )

This is a reply to an mgg post (gumagaya na kay corp closet o haha)

Monogamy can practically be rooted as a tool for laying the foundation of society and securing self economy. During early christianity where monarchs had to keep the wealth well within the family, they resorted to marrying their cousins. The beliefs of Filipino Chinese that they should only marry people like them since they have same traditions, and same beliefs are only secondary to the original idea that money should be conserved in the circle. The family being, the primary unit of the traditional society can only thrive if it follows the norms of marriage and monogamy. If monogamy fails, the family fails in the traditional societal perspective.

Too many children = too many heirs. Too many wives = too much redistribution of wealth. In the end, it is self preservation that gave birth to monogamy. The preservation of your genes and securing its well being even after you are gone made monogamy work for the traditional society.

Monogamy is such a straight world concept. It's traditional, had been proven to fail for most (divorce, annulment, separation) and finally limiting. But why should same sex couples be limited by this concept? Most have no families to preserve. We are considered an outcast in the traditional sense of a society. Why follow their rules? Why be limited by the norms that you know could only make you unhappy?

Bakla tayo. Alam natin kung paano kamuhian dahil sa pagsunod sa mga bagay na alam natin na makakapagpasaya sa atin. Makasarili? Oo. Pero alam mo na isinisigaw ng puso mo ito ang bagay na sa iyo'y nagpapasaya. Huwag kang matakot Genesis, ni mahiya sapagkat alam mo na kahit na hindi nila maintindihan, o magalit man sila... ikaw masaya ka. You are happy because you had learned to listen to yourself and hear your inner voice. You had decided to hear yourself out than go with the flow because you know in your heart that it will make you happy

If you believe in something, believe in it with all your heart. Defend it when people try to bring topple it down, but listen as much as you protect it. Share your beliefs to people, but never impose it. At the end of the day, what matters most is that you're happy.

(advise lang teh.... HIV awareness ha.. safe dapat lagi....)

Bills

I always feel uneasy when the bills come. No matter where I and Joel eat when the bill comes and I know he would be paying, I feel “nahihiya” that he does so.

My boyfriend and I are already in our 8th month of being a couple. He is 24 years my senior, has a stable job, a car, a condo in the heart of the CBD of Makati, a great sense of humor, and a whole lot more. I, on the other hand, am an overstaying college student, with limited financial capabilities and several part-time jobs that help me support my everyday needs. Way before this relationship started, he already knows of the situation that I have. I’m not really as well off as he is so most of the times when we go on dates or go out with friends he usually pay for my expenses.

At the beginning of this kind of set-up, I already felt this uneasiness. I said to him that I am not having a relationship with him because of this perks and I know he knows that. He said that he had no problem paying the bills for me. “Hindi naman grabe ang gastos natin and I know na hindi mo naman ako ginagatasan” as he puts it.

I actually feel more ‘nahihiya’ when we eat with friends. Most of our friends are more financially stable compared to most so they would usually dine in places I can only afford when I make “ipon” for it. He always end up paying for our meals.

I feel that I am hurting my pride every time he does so. I feel thankful and I always make it a point that I let him know that I appreciate it, but still this uneasiness persist. I wondered why I feel like this, thus this blog.

I realized that I actually am afraid to look like a boytoy. I am afraid that if ever in any case (kung saka-sakali pero huwag naman sana in the near future) we break up and everything will be tallied into facts and conclusions, I will appear to have stayed around just because of the perks that he gave me. Even before and even to now, I know that I don’t stay with him because of these perks.

I stay because he makes me laugh my ass off most of the times. I stay because he wakes me up thoughtfully every morning when I have early appointments.I stay because he makes me feel like I’m amazing the way I am. I stay because he treats me as his equal and not like some kid. I stay because he goes out of his way at times just to help me out. I stay because of this intimacy that I feel each time we talk about misunderstandings. I stay because I do love him.

Right now, I am conscious that I need him. I need him to give me a pat in the back each time I feel down. I need him when I am running short with my finances since my mom can’t send allowance again. But, I don’t want this to be forever. I want things to come to a point where I can say that I love him but I don’t need him. I don’t need him but I choose to stay with him because I love him and for no other reasons at all. I want to love him just the way he loves me. He doesn’t need me. He can continue to live even if he leaves me but doesn’t do so because I know that he is staying for no other reason except love.

Joel, I promise to be a better man. I will do my best so that I can take you out for dinner in a fancy restaurant out of the country some day where we can talk about all those silly stuffs. I promise to drive you to places where we can just sit, relax and enjoy the view. I promise to give you aid whenever you’re down. For now, I am just a 20 year old boy who can only do so much, but I'm yours.


(I'm yours - The script)


Happy valentines day, hon.

Love always,
Denz

Love: a leap of Faith

I saw a child running after something that she doesn't really know what, but she ran without any inhibition nor fear of getting hurt. 


An older friend used to ask me why is it so easy for younger guys to fall in love so easily. Something like, meeting a guy on a bus one day then being committed to a relationship with that guy on the next day. 


Jumping into a relationship like that is just not his thing.


An accountant painstakingly plans his whole schedule for today, paying attention to every minute details so that he can submit this month's quotation to his client later around 6pm. Suddenly, hell seemed to explode on his face when MS Excel hanged and corrupted the final report that kept him awake all night. The back up file is only 75% and its already 2pm. 


Most adults learn to govern over their emotions. "Compartmentalize" to be  exact. They frame things, people, events and problems in neat, little boxes labeled and organized in a manner fit for their routines. They use their minds to govern their daily lives. Survival is a mind game, after all. Although, we all know that this is not a bulletproofed strategy especially when emotions and people come along and just won't fit into these boxes. They try to understand why they are feeling that way, who this person is, how does he affect his life and does he give him a certain advancement in his life. Rationalizing morbidly as the seemingly magical emotion called love dries into a quantifiable entity deprived of its mystery and fantasy. And as soon as he fully comprehend that what he felt was love, the opportunity had already passed by and love was nothing more than an old, wrinkled yesterday that got tired of waiting. 




The accountant barely made it for his 6pm deadline. He finished the quotations and sent it over the internet. He had decided to dump all of the things he planned for that night and just have dinner with friends as a reward for all that stress. He drove home late that night feeling spent yet fulfilled of his unplanned day.


Pain, yes everyone is blaming pain to be the reason why people are afraid of falling in love. Because love could make them vulnerable, could hurt them, and leave them messed up. They think of investments like the time, the money, the effort and the saliva and other bodily fluid that they will waste on the "wrong" person that they might get caught up in a romance. That's why they delay everything so that they are sure. 
Rational? Yes. 
Graspable? Yes. 
Quantifiable, yes. 
Selfish, perhaps. 
Assured against pain? Definitely, not.


Why is there such a commotion about making sure that you are falling in love with the right person? Why do we make people and ourselves wait (and sometimes in vain) when the end of it is more waiting?
Why do we keep delaying things? Is it because of fear? Is it because of assurance? 


The young girl cried as she tripped and wounded her knees. As her dad attended to her, she stopped crying then asked her dad to let her down. She went back to running after something that I just can't see.


Wisdom of age comes with the fear of repeating mistakes and falling on the same hole all over again. But, to us, the younger generation, there is no such thing as doing the same mistakes since we hadn't made them in the first place. Youth has its flaws that vindicates it. We do not seek assurance because we love the experience of the unknown and the thrill of unfolding the uncertain. We falter, yet due to exuberance, we stand up knowing that we could fail again but hoping that we won't. The flames of hope burns passionate in our idealistic world. Silly? Child's play? Perhaps. But, it is through this that we learn to openly accept the world, and we do not tire from believing love and the humanity that emanates it. And when we say "I love you", we might not understand what it means like you do but we understand enough to let it out in the open and let you open the doors of our heart.


Remember that no matter how weary, cynical and old you are... To love is to be young again